Ladies of the Onion Rings: Fellowship of the Freak
by Legolas stalker
Summary: Part 1: The author and her freakishly insane friend are tossed into the LOTR mix. What damage can they do? !FINISHED!
1. Mean elves that capture innocent girls

Disclaimer:  
  
Laura: I own all of them! *hugs the Fellowship, and ghost of Tolkien appears*  
  
Lauren: Uh, Laura?  
  
Laura: What? Oooh, crap.  
  
Tolkien: Let them go. *Laura lets all of them go except Legolas, who tries to run away, but Laura grabs his braid before he can get away*  
  
Legolas: Yeek! Ouch.  
  
Laura: Okay, I only own my Leggy poo.  
  
Legolas: Leggy poo??? Hey!  
  
Tolkien: Ahem?  
  
Laura: Pwease? *puppy face*  
  
Tolkien: NO.  
  
Lauren and Laura: Damn. *lets Legolas go*  
  
Legolas: I'M FREE!!! *runs away happily*  
  
Laura and Lauren: *wail* We don't. own. ANY OF THEM!!! *fall on each other bawling*  
  
* A/N: Okay, this story doesn't really follow the movie or the book specifically: it's kind of a mixture of both. The only reason we rated this story PG-13 was for the language. Arighty, toodles! *  
  
Random outburst for the chapter: WALNUTS!! Ahem. sorry. :-\  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 1: In the beginning, Tolkien created heaven and mid-earth.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
Okay, so Lauren and me were riding our bikes through the woods. It was a fairly nice day: the sun was shining, birds were singing, and we were wearing summer clothes. NOT. It was cloudy, cold, and damp. Not to mention that it started raining when we were about five miles from home.  
  
"Damn," I said. "This bites."  
  
"Really? I actually like being soaked to the skin. It's fun," she answered sarcastically.  
  
"Go lick an elephant." I was in a crappy mood. PMS, if you must know.  
  
"Well, someone's in a FANTASTIC mood today, aren't they?"  
  
"No." I started riding my bike faster.  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
What a lovely child. So kind, so caring. HA! Whatever.  
  
I rode quicker to catch up with the demon teenager. I overtook her easily enough, because she had gotten stuck in a mud puddle. I looked around me while Laura struggled to pull her bike out of the gook. "Yo, Laura?"  
  
"What?" she snapped.  
  
"Uh, where are we?" She looked up too, and her face went slightly pale. "I have no idea," she whispered in reply. Then she got an extremely P.O.ed look on her face. "Oh, great! Now we're lost, and I'm covered in mud, and. the trees have moss all over them?"  
  
"What the hell?" I had noticed the moss, too.  
  
"Fantastic. Now we're lost in the Everglades or something, except for the fact that we live in INDIANA!!! Oh, why me? What did I ever do to deserve this?! Damn these space-time continuums."  
  
"Well, there was that one time that you put gum on Miss Huffman's chair. Oh, and when you put mud in Emily Baron's lotion in gym, and-" I started naming off all the bad things she had done just this year.  
  
"No comments from the peanut gallery are allowed, so SHUDDUP!" she screeched as she threw mud at me. It landed with a small splat at my feet.  
  
Just as I stooped down to scrape the mud off my shoe, something went whizzing over my head. An arrow landed in a tree about two inches from Laura's head. "HIT THE DECK!" I yelped, and fell into the mud. She followed suit as a few men came into view.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
"Yeek!" I screamed as the odd-looking bunch of men came out of the trees. "Who the hell are you?"  
  
"We should be asking you, young maiden," one of the blonde men answered harshly.  
  
"Hey! Geddoff me!" I yelped as he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me to my feet. I struggled, but man! This guy must have a grip of steel or something, because he didn't even try to hold me back. I looked over and saw Lauren having the same problem. "Well, ain't this juuuust great?" I asked in sticky sweetness.  
  
"Get it off me!" I almost laughed as the man heard her call him an "it". The look on his face was that of shock and anger.  
  
"You are a very rude mortal, you know that?" he asked impatiently.  
  
"What in cheese's name are you talking about?" I asked him (or it).  
  
"Come. We are going to see our leader." The blonde things led us away into the woods.  
  
~Elrond POV~  
  
I sighed and shook my head. "Gandalf, the Ring cannot stay here." The old wizard looked sorrowfully at me, then looked out towards the gates as Boromir of Gondor, Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood, and Gimli son of Gloin appeared. "This peril belongs to all of Middle-Earth. They must decide what to do."  
  
I heard footsteps behind me and spun around. Táradur and his men were approaching leading... what was this? Two mortal girls?  
  
"My lord, we found these two children in the woods," Táradur reported.  
  
"Children? Excuse me?" the blonde one asked. She looked annoyed, while her brunette companion stood silent, looking terrified. "We are hardly children. We're both fifteen."  
  
I could barely contain my laughter. In Elvish years, fifteen was hardly a toddler. But I bit my tongue and nodded. "Indeed... Táradur, take these... maidens, to get changed." I looked at their odd attire. What in Eru's name were they wearing? Not to mention that their clothing was completely covered in mud. Táradur bowed slightly and took the two girls past, towards the guest quarters.  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
As I stood stark naked (except for a towel) in front of the woman in my new room, I suddenly realized that I was completely naïve. Sure, this was great: I was getting free clothes, food, attention, etc., but I wanted some information. "Um... where are we and what are we doing here and who are you and what's your favorite color and-"  
  
She cut me off. "You are in the house of Elrond, and-"  
  
"WHAT?!" I screeched. "WHAT IN CHEESE'S NAME ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, WOMAN!?"  
  
"Please! Please! Calm down! You are safe, for you are amongst the Elves of Rivendell."  
  
I looked at her with a face that I'm sure must have clearly stated, Sorry I'm a retard.  
  
"Come again?"  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
As I sat down in the circle of chairs on the dais in the middle of the garden, I noticed two unfamiliar women. One was brunette, the other was blonde. They were obviously not Elves, but they did not appear to be from these parts, either.  
  
I listened intently as Lord Elrond started talking about why we were in Rivendell. "Bring forth the Ring, Frodo." A halfling stepped forward and put a golden ring on the pedestal. I am quite sure that my eyes became the size of dinner plates. It was THE Ring! "The doom of man..." I heard someone whisper.  
  
Suddenly the man whom I knew as Boromir leapt up. "It is a gift!" he cried. "A gift to the foes of Mordor! Why not use this ring! Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept evil at bay. By the blood of our people," he said, hitting his chest with a fist, "are your lands kept safe!" He pointed at the rest of us, and I glared at him.  
  
"You cannot wield it!" Aragorn stated firmly. "None of us can. The Ring answers to Sauron alone. It knows no other master."  
  
"And what does a ranger know of these matters?" Boromir sneered at him.  
  
I was about to leap up and tell this ignorant man that "this ranger" was the heir to the throne of his land, but the blonde girl did so for me. "Hey, buddy! That's Aragorn! He's the heir to Gondor, so shuddup and let him talk!" She gave him a deathly glare.  
  
I gaped at her. What in the Valar's name was she thinking!?  
  
"Laura! Sit down!" The brown-haired girl tugged on the other one's dress, but she refused.  
  
Boromir looked at her in astonishment, his face bright red and his hand instinctively going to his sword hilt, then turned to face Aragorn. "Aragorn? This... is Isildur's heir?"  
  
"AND heir to the throne of Gondor," Laura added.  
  
Aragorn looked at him, then faced the woman now known as Laura. "Havo dad, arwen en amin," he said politely.  
  
Laura sneered at Boromir, then plopped down unladylike in her seat.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
I looked over at the elf who I knew was Legolas. I gave him a death glare and mouthed, "What are you lookin' at, Elf-boy?" He turned away quickly and listened to Elrond, but occasionally looked over at Lauren and I.  
  
The conversation quickly became boring, and I pulled a book out of my backpack. Besides, I had seen the movie almost a billion times before, and I knew what was going to happen. In less than a minute Gimli would ruin his axe...  
  
I grinned as I heard, "What are we waiting for? ARRRRG!" and winced slightly as I heard the axe shatter. I chuckled, but didn't look up from my book.  
  
"The Ring cannot be destroyed," Elrond started. Yadda yadda yadda.  
  
Well, here comes the fight scene...  
  
"One does not simply walk into Mordor... Its black gates are guarded by more than just Orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep... and the great Eye is ever watchful. 'Tis a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, and ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly!"  
  
"Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond just said!" Legolas cried. I mouthed as he said, "The Ring must be destroyed!" I put down my book and looked over at Lauren.  
  
She grinned and mouthed, "And I suppose you're the one to do it?" as Gimli said the exact same words. We rolled our eyes and said with Boromir, "And if we fail, what then! What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?"  
  
And now they start yelling, blah blah blah...  
  
"I will take it!" Frodo cried. One, two three... awwww...  
  
Then Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and finally Boromir also offered their help. And here comes Sam: "Mr. Frodo's not goin' anywhere without me." I swear that gardener is gay...  
  
And now presenting, ladies and gentleman, MERRY AND PIPPIN!  
  
Unexpectedly Elrond turned towards Lauren and me. "You two will also accompany the Fellowship to Mordor."  
  
"What!?" we yelped at the exact same time. "Why!?"  
  
"Because, my children, we need to get you home."  
  
"Yay! We're going back to Hickville, Indiana!" I grabbed Lauren and we danced enthusiastically around in circles while the Fellowship and all the other random people stared at us.  
  
"Indeed... Camuial, please take these two maidens back to their quarters," Elrond said to a servant girl. The black-haired elf led us away, still chatting sarcastically. "And then we can ride the cows, and eat corn, and play in the soybean fields..."  
  
TBC...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Well, my little peppermint dumplings, whatcha think? Please R&R! 


	2. We're off to see the wizard!

Disclaimer:  
  
Laura: I own all of them! *hugs the Fellowship, and ghost of Tolkien appears*  
  
Lauren: Uh, Laura?  
  
Laura: What? Oooh, crap.  
  
Tolkien: Let them go. *Laura lets all of them go except Legolas, who tries to run away, but Laura grabs his braid before he can get away*  
  
Legolas: Yeek! Ouch.  
  
Laura: Okay, I only own my Leggy poo.  
  
Legolas: Leggy poo??? YOUR'S??? Hey!  
  
Tolkien: Ahem?  
  
Laura: Pwease? *puppy face*  
  
Tolkien: NO.  
  
Lauren and Laura: Damn. *lets Legolas go*  
  
Legolas: I'M FREE!!! WOOHOO!!! *runs away happily*  
  
Laura and Lauren: *wail* We don't. own. ANY OF THEM!!! *fall on each other bawling*  
  
Random outburst for the chapter: FISH STICKS!!! it's a fishy!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter Two: We're off to see the wizard!  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
"Uh-uh. No way lady. NO WAY am I wearing that to sleep in!" I pointed at the frilly nightgown. "Um, ew. "  
  
"But Lady Laura" -Ugh that sounds awful- "you can't sleep, in that!" The maid pointed to the swooshy navy blue athletic pants* and my white tank top that I had been wearing while riding my bike. They had been cleaned, of course. *Y'know those athletic pants from Old Navy? Yeah, those are awesome! I have NO IDEA what they're made out of, but I love to sleep in them, and I love the swooshy sound they make. in fact, I'm wearing some right now! WEE!!!*  
  
"And just why not?" I asked with a sneer.  
  
"Because it's not fitting!" She glared back at me.  
  
"They fit me fine!" I snapped.  
  
"No, what I meant was they aren't ladylike!"  
  
"BACK OFF BI-ATCH!*" I snarled. "I'LL WEAR WHAT I WANT!" *As in "bitch", and pronounced just as it's spelled*  
  
She gasped. "Well, I never-!" and walked out of the room.  
  
"TRY TO TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR, EH?? YEAH, I DIDN'T THINK SO!!! GO CRY IN YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARMS, YOU PURPLE MUSTARD FACE!" I yelled out into the hallway, and then slammed the door. It bounced back open. I tried to slam it again. It bounced open. "GODDAMNED HINGES!!!" I kicked the door. It stayed shut for a minute, then slowly opened. "*BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP*!!!!" I left it open.  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
"-YOU PURPLE MUSTARD FACE!" I stuck my head out the door and almost burst out laughing at the astonished look on the maid's face. I heard Laura's door slam a couple of times, and then: "*BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP*!!!!"  
  
"SHUDDUP, LAURA! I WANNA SLEEP!" I screeched back down the hall. She was five rooms down on the other side of the hallway, which was almost a hundred feet.  
  
"NOW WHO'S THE MUSTARD FACE, HUH? YEAH, I THOUGHT SO, PROMETHEUS!" she screamed, using my nickname.  
  
"ELF STALKER!"  
  
"CHEESE BRAIN!"  
  
"BED WETTER!"  
  
"BUTT PICKER!"  
  
"Excuse me!? What in the Valar's name are you two DOING?" some elf dude came around the corner. I paled when I realized who it was. Aw, shit...  
  
"YEEKERS! IT'S ELROND!" I heard Laura yelp as she slammed the door again. This time it didn't bounce open.  
  
~Elrond POV~  
  
Stupid immature mortal girls. what in the world were they doing up at such a late hour, screaming down the hall to each other?! And such comments! I thought that they were supposed to be friends!  
  
I shook my head and went back to my quarters to think about the task that lay ahead for the Fellowship of the Ring.  
  
~Legolas POV, the next morning~  
  
I was sitting alone in the Hall of Fire, thinking about the journey that we would leave for tomorrow. I heard the soft padding of human feet. I looked up just in time to see the blonde young woman, Laura, come walking into the room. My eyes went wide and I stared.  
  
"What are you lookin' at, Ear boy?" she snarled sleepily.  
  
"My lady, you need to put on some proper attire," I stated simply, turning away. I mean, in the name of Eru! She was half naked, wearing a sleeveless undershirt and men's britches.  
  
"What the HELL is wrong with you people!?" she screeched. I winced visibly at the loud noise. "I mean, even a GUY is telling me what to wear! JEEEEZUS!!"  
  
"Please go put on some proper clothing before breakfast."  
  
"Why should I, Tunic-man?"  
  
"Because I would appreciate it. I don't wish to look at women who have no clothes on."  
  
"Oh, excuse me oh high and mighty prince! TERRIBLY sorry! I mean, if it doesn't SUIT you, you should just tell me!" Her voice oozed with sarcasm.  
  
I spun around and faced her, ready to retort, when a chambermaid entered the room. "Oh, VALAR!" she screeched. She seemed more embarrassed than the girl. "My lady, you must go put on some clothes!" She trotted up to Laura and tugged urgently on her arm.  
  
"Damn elves." I heard her mutter as she was half-dragged away. She gave me a death glare as I smirked and shrugged my shoulders. I didn't think we were going to get along very well...  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
I woke up in my disgustingly frilly gown. "Ugh," I winced. Why did I have to be sent to this version of HELL?  
  
I glanced up sleepily as Laura entered my room, and burst out laughing. "You're- you're-" I couldn't talk I was laughing so hard.  
  
She was wearing a wine-colored dress with frilly sleeves, which was actually very pretty, but since the demon teenager had PMS, she was extremely pissed. "Shuddup," she growled menacingly. When I didn't, she jumped onto my bed and started hitting me with a pillow.  
  
"OW!!! SHIT!!! GET OFF ME YOU FRUIT HEAD!!!" I hit her back. Feathers were flying all around the room.  
  
I saw someone walk by. "ARAGORN!!! GET THE DEMON OFF ME!!! YIKES!!" I dodged another blow.  
  
"Ladies!" Aragorn entered my room and spoke with authority. "Do not act like this in the house of Elrond!"  
  
"Shuddup, B.O. boy," Laura growled, but jumped off the bed and threw the pillow in my face. She walked out of the room, purposely shoving Aragorn as she went.  
  
I, too, climbed out of the bed and walked to my wardrobe. "Ooh, pretty dresses..." I said childishly as I looked at the rainbow of colored fabric.  
  
"I apologize, my lady!" Aragorn seemed bent out of shape and bit his lip. "I did not mean to intrude!"  
  
"What? Oh..." I looked down at my somewhat transparent gown. "Whoopsies..." I'm sure I blushed a deep red. He trotted out of the room without a second glance and slammed the door behind him.  
  
I quickly slipped on a green dress and sprinted down the hall just as Legolas appeared. My god, he was hot. Peter Jackson, you did a nice job, but poor Orlando still falls short...  
  
"Erm... hi there, Legolas," I said, rubbing my foot against my leg.  
  
"Good morning, Lauren." He bowed politely, and his long hair fell down a bit in front of his face. "And where are you headed to, pray tell?"  
  
"Um... down to the Hall of Fire to breakfast."  
  
"Not to sound insulting, but the hall is the other way. I, in fact, was headed in that direction. Would you like me to show you where it is?"  
  
"Um... sure?"  
  
"Follow me, then." He walked past me and led me downstairs.  
  
~Legolas POV, later that day~  
  
"And that is how you shoot a bow," I finished explaining to the two young women. "Would you like to try?" I offered, holding out two bows slightly smaller than my own.  
  
The two mortals took the bows and looked unsure of what to do next. Then they looked up with confused and childish expressions. I sighed. "Hold it out flat in front of you with your left hand and nock an arrow." They did so. "Now, place it upwards, and shoot." The arrows left the strings and flew... two feet.  
  
I accidentally rolled my eyes. Big mistake.  
  
"Listen, elf boy, we haven't been living for three thousand freakin' years!" Laura screeched. "So get it into your thick, prissy skull that we aren't gonna be as good as you when it comes to shooting!" Valar, that girl had some issues.  
  
"I apologize, my lady," I sneered, emphasizing the word "lady." "Care to try again?"  
  
"Fine," she snarled. Lauren stood patiently by her side.  
  
"Laura, maybe we should-" she started to say.  
  
"SHUDDUP LAUREN!!! I'M A BIT PISSY RIGHT NOW, AND DON'T NEED ANY COMMENTS FROM YOU!!!"  
  
"You can say that again," I breathed.  
  
"Do you want me to use you as target practice?" Laura asked, her voice deathly calm.  
  
I rolled my eyes again. "Whatever. Just shoot." Okay, now I knew I was going to hate this kid.  
  
~Elrond POV, the next day~  
  
Well, this was it. The day the Fellowship would leave Rivendell to meet an almost certain death had arrived. There was one upside, however. Laura seemed in a much better mood than the last two days.  
  
"What makes you so cheerful, my child?" I asked a bit hesitantly.  
  
"Because, we already know what's gonna happen!" she said cheerily.  
  
"Indeed...?" I said, questioning this girl's sanity.  
  
"Well, toodles, Elrond ol' boy!" She reached up and grabbed my face and gave me an air kiss on each cheek. "Love ya babe!" Okay, now I knew she was insane.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
I grabbed Elrond's face and gave him an air smooch on each side of his face. "Love ya babe!" I grinned at the astonished look on his face. Then I hooked my arm through Lauren's, and we skipped down the trail singing, "WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD, THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF DOOM!! WE HEAR HE IS A FREAKIFUL WIZ IF EVER A WIZ THERE WAS!..." For SOME reason, the other members of the Fellowship stared uneasily at us. Heheh, this was gonna be fun...  
  
~*~  
  
After singing our own version of the "Wizard of Oz" song about one hundred more times, Legolas and Aragorn started getting pissy. "Will you two PLEASE be silent!" the "prince" asked pleadingly.  
  
"Why for, oh dearest friend of permanent markers?" I asked him with an innocent face. "Perhaps you should go brush your hair or something, because I do believe that I see a strand that's sticking out of your braid..." God I hated how he was so prissy.  
  
He gave me a death glare and walked quickly past me. "Okies, well if you need a mirror and a brush, I brought an extra!" I called to his retreating figure. What an ass...  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
As much as I hate to admit it, annoying the Fellowship was extremely fun. Especially Gimli, the stupid little runt that he was. If I asked, "Are we stopping soon?" he would always answer: "No."  
  
"How about now?"  
  
"No." Ooh, I spot a little bit of red on his face.  
  
"Now?"  
  
"No." More red. Heheh...  
  
"How 'bout now?"  
  
"NO, BY MY BEARD WILL YOU PLEASE BE QUIET!" And Lauren wins!  
  
And then... oh for the love of god, there was Sam. Please strike me down with a bolt of lightning. Every time he talked to Frodo I wanted to puke. Laura and I would make gagging noises and/or kissy faces at him when he was talking to the poor guy. And then there was that one time...  
  
Okay, I had been following stupid old Gandalf through the mud, trying to find some sort of herb or something. When I got back to our camp, my dress was covered in gook. "Ew... I'm gonna go change." I picked up my pack and walked into the woods out of sight of the clearing where we were camped.  
  
I stripped down to my underwear and dug through my pack for my other tunic. Just at that moment someone came around the tree.  
  
"SWEET MOTHER OF SHIT!!!" I screeched. "YOU!!!" "Innocent" little Sam was standing there, the wood that he had gathered now at his feet because he dropped it. "WHY YOU LITTLE!!!-" But he ran away before I could insult him and/or hurt him more.  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
We were all sitting boredly around the fire, "listening" to Gimli talk about different kinds of axes. Man, that guy was annoying. Suddenly I heard someone running through the brush and screaming. I perked my ears up, trying to make out what was being said. Quite suddenly, though, Sam popped out of the bushes, Lauren close on his heels, her dress half-on. (Okay, the skirt was flying up to show her petticoat, nothing more! By the Valar, you humans have dirty minds sometimes...)  
  
"YOU PERVERTED LITTLE GAY HOBBIT!!!!" she roared. "WHAT IN HELL'S NAME DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING!?!?!?"  
  
"I was... collectin' firewood..." the hobbit squeaked.  
  
"YOU LITTLE GAYFER!!!" Lauren lunged at him, but I leapt up and caught her.  
  
"Lauren! Get a hold of yourself!" Laura said hesitantly. "What the hell happened?"  
  
"THAT LITTLE ASSHOLE WAS SPYING ON ME WHILE I WAS CHANGING!!!" Lauren struggled in my arms, but I wouldn't let her go. I honestly think she would have killed Sam if she could have.  
  
"I wasn't, neither!" Sam argued. "I was collectin' firewood!"  
  
"Sure you were!!! Little bastard!!! I'm gonna kill you if I ever get the chance!" The furious brunette girl started muttering curses.  
  
"Please calm down, my lady," I begged. I was starting to fear for all our safety.  
  
"Shut up, Princess Puff!" she spat. Oh, boy. This was going to be a very long journey. 


	3. Of freaked out crows and lots of snow

Disclaimer:  
  
Laura: I own all of them! *hugs the Fellowship, and ghost of Tolkien appears*  
  
Lauren: Uh, Laura?  
  
Laura: What? Oooh, crap.  
  
Tolkien: Let them go. *Laura lets all of them go except Legolas, who tries to run away, but Laura grabs his braid before he can get away*  
  
Legolas: Yeek! Ouch.  
  
Laura: Okay, I only own my Leggy poo.  
  
Legolas: Leggy poo??? YOUR'S??? Hey!  
  
Tolkien: Ahem?  
  
Laura: Pwease? *puppy face*  
  
Tolkien: NO.  
  
Lauren and Laura: Damn. *lets Legolas go*  
  
Legolas: I'M FREE!!! WOOHOO!!! *runs away happily*  
  
Laura and Lauren: *wail* We don't. own. ANY OF THEM!!! *fall on each other bawling*  
  
Random outburst for the chapter: I LIKE TO SNIFF PAINT!!! sorry... just me... *whistles innocently*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 3: Of freaked-out crows and lots of snow  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
Okay, so now we're at the part where we almost get killed by a bunch of crazy blackbirds. (Yeek! It reminds me of the movie "Birds". *shudder*)  
  
Yeah, so anyways, we were on top of this big group of boulders the size of SUVs. They were pretty cool... for about thirty seconds. Then they just became a nuisance. Anywhoo, Merry and Pippin were working on sword fighting with Boromir, while Sam was flirting with Frodo, Gimli was complaining, and Legolas was staring off at nothingness. Gee, so what else was new? Yeah, exactly. So Lauren and I were playing the random word game (you know, the game where one person says a word, and then the other says a different word that the first one makes them think of? Yeah, that game!) because we were really bored.  
  
"Barbie Doll!" Her.  
  
"Pink!" Me.  
  
"Clothes!" Her.  
  
"Green!" Me.  
  
"Green? Whatever... beans!" Her.  
  
"Bodily gas!" Me.  
  
"*giggle* um... ok you win."  
  
"Woohoo!" I jumped up and went over to Aragorn.  
  
"Yo, Aragorn! Guess what!"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I won!" I shrieked in his ear. He winced and shut his eyes. "Won what?"  
  
But I didn't answer. Instead, I ran over to Legolas. "Hey, Leggy poo! Guess what?"  
  
He turned down to look at me with a disgusted expression. "Leggy poo?"  
  
"Yeah, it's your new name. Anyways, guess what?"  
  
He rolled his eyes. "What."  
  
"Well, 1) I won, and 2) We're about to be attacked by a bunch of rabid crows."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Lookie, silly Leggy. See that black spot? That's a bunch of birds." Actually, I couldn't tell that they were, but like I said before, I saw the movie so many times that I had it down by heart.  
  
"Damn. You're right." He spun around and shouted, "CREBAIN FROM DUNLAND!"  
  
"Geez, think you could make it a little more obvious we're here. I don't think that the birds quite caught that." I felt like punching him. But before I could, Lauren had pulled me with her and we packed up our bags. Then we dove under some scrubby bushes.  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
Damn, she could be so annoying! But I couldn't exactly chew her out, because the EVIL BIRDS OF DOOM (da da dum!) were there. Damn birds. Damn space-time continuums. Damn everything.  
  
After the birds flew around in circles pointlessly for five minutes, they decided to pack up and head back to Isengard. Yippee.  
  
"Spies of Saruman," Gandalf said as he climbed out of his hiding spot.  
  
"Thank you, Captain Obvious! You win a brand new DICTIONARY! WOOHOO!" I yelled, waving my dictionary from my backpack in his face.  
  
Boromir swatted my hands with the blunt edge of his sword. "Asshole," I muttered. "Trying to steal my fun."  
  
"We must take the pass of Caradhras," the old geezer said, turning towards the big scary triangular shaped chunk of rock. (Da da dum!)  
  
So we packed up and moved out. Laura and I quickly got bored, and started singing at the top of our lungs: "LITTLE BUNNY FOO FOO, HOPPIN' THROUGH THE FOREST, SCOOPIN' UP THE FIELD MICE AND BOPPIN' THEM ON THE HEAD!"  
  
"Repeat!" she would yell, and we'd sing it again.  
  
"Will you PLEASE DESIST!" everyone else would yell.  
  
"Lauren! They don't like our singing!" Insert look of puppiness. "WAAAAAAAAAH!!!"  
  
"Sweet Valar!" Legolas cried, leaping back and covering his ears.  
  
"Fine. Be that way. All of you. Why don't you just leave us behind?" I said with a pout.  
  
"Fine by me," Princess Puff (a.k.a. Leggy poo) said.  
  
"Shuddup, ya little booger, no one asked you," Laura spat.  
  
"Actually," he started, but I kicked him really hard in the shin.  
  
"Now play nice, Leggy-kins! What have I told you about kicking?" Laura shook her finger in his pained face. He scowled at her.  
  
After about a week, we finally reached the POINT OF DOOM (da da dum!) on the mountain, where Saruman goes all "Woohoo lookit me I'm a girly friggin' WIZARD!" and shouts from his little tower and crap like that. So here we were, trudging through waist deep snow, all the hobbits being carried.  
  
"Leggy-kins?" Laura looked up at him as he walked over the snow past us. "Will you pwease cawwy me?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Pwease?" She made her lower lip tremble.  
  
"NO." He started walking away.  
  
"Asshole!" she yelled, and kicked the snow out from under him. He came SO CLOSE to falling down, but being the stupid elf that he is, he didn't. Damn.  
  
So then Gandalf starts yelling baby talk back at the almighty Tide Wizard, and then the lightning came. DA DA DUM!!! *insert foreboding Mozart music here, pwease*  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
So here comes this HUGE amount of snow, crashing down at us. It looks mild in the movie, of course, but this was a BUTT LOAD of snow, really! So Leggy-kins does his little Gandalf-pushing-thing, and saves HIS ass, but leaves the rest of us to DIE. Damn elf.  
  
When the snow finally hit us, it felt like a bazillion cement trucks were falling all around and on me. Damn Saruman. He should DIE!!! But he can't, because he's a stupid Istari. Damn wizards.  
  
And, while everyone else was being pulled out, somehow I had gotten under a huge drift of snow, like ten feet deep. Damn wind.  
  
"I've got a loverly bunch of coconuts, deedly dee, and they are a-standin' in a row! (2-3-4!) Big ones, small ones, ones the size of your head (and bigger!) Give 'em a twist, a flick of the wrist..." I sang, just to keep my mind off the four tons of snow surrounding me.  
  
"OK, LEGOLAS, IF YOU FIND ME FIRST, I PROMISE I WON'T EVER CALL YOU "LEGGY KINS" AGAIN! Ok, well maybe a few times, just for good measure, BUT C'MON!!! LEMME OUT!!!"  
  
Damn magic.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Well, whaddya think? FANTASTIC!!! Hello??? Still haven't gotten any REVIEWS!!! ME WANT!!! *wails* FINE!!! BE THAT WAY!!! 


	4. Laura is attacked by a perverted inverte...

Disclaimer:  
  
Laura: I own all of them! *hugs the Fellowship, and ghost of Tolkien appears*  
  
Lauren: Uh, Laura?  
  
Laura: What? Oooh, crap.  
  
Tolkien: Let them go. *Laura lets all of them go except Legolas, who tries to run away, but Laura grabs his braid before he can get away*  
  
Legolas: Yeek! Ouch.  
  
Laura: Okay, I only own my Leggy poo.  
  
Legolas: Leggy poo??? YOURS??? Hey!  
  
Tolkien: Ahem?  
  
Laura: Pwease? *puppy face*  
  
Tolkien: NO.  
  
Lauren and Laura: Damn. *lets Legolas go*  
  
Legolas: I'M FREE!!! WOOHOO!!! *runs away happily*  
  
Laura and Lauren: *wail* We don't. own. ANY OF THEM!!! *fall on each other bawling*  
  
Random outburst for the chapter: CHOPSTICK!!!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 4: Laura is attacked by a perverted invertebrate..  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
The big-ass pile of snow fell on top of and buried us. I was stuck in a standing position, white stuff all around me. Damn, was it cold!  
  
Legolas, who had been up near the front, popped out first (like in the movie), and started helping everyone else out. I, of course, was last. Or so I thought.  
  
"Is everyone alright?" Gandalf asked.  
  
"Oh, yes. We're all just PEACHY! I mean, I love being buried by a billion tons of snow.." I started, but Aragorn clapped his hand over my mouth.  
  
"Mffuut wefft ifft Wawa?" I said.  
  
"I'm sorry?" Aragorn asked, taking his hand away.  
  
"Dude, try washing your hands sometime.. I said, but where is Laura?"  
  
Everyone turned to look at the person next to them, but she wasn't anywhere. "Oh, shit!" I started digging frantically, calling out to her. "LAURA!! CRAP!! GODDAMMIT, LAURA!! WHERE ARE YOU!?"  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
"LAURA!! GODDAMMIT, LAURA WHERE ARE YOU!?" Lauren cried. We all started digging around us, trying to find any trace of the blond girl. We continued digging for nearly ten minutes, but there was no sign of her.  
  
"Oh my God, what if she fell-?" Lauren trailed off, and everyone looked over the cliff. I heard Aragorn swallow hard.  
  
"Lauren, don't worry. We will find her," I said, trying to comfort her, but she would have none of it.  
  
"LOOK, MR. I'M-AN-ELF-AND-THAT-MEANS-I'M-BETTER-THAN-EVERYONE-ELSE, I DON'T GIVE A CRAP WHAT YOU THINK, A'RIGHT? WHAT IF MY FRIEND IS DEAD? ARE YOU GONNA STAND AROUND SAYING 'OH IT WILL BE FINE MAYBE SHE'LL COME BACK TO LIFE?'" Lauren looked like she would strangle me.  
  
"Lauren, please! Listen to Legolas! I highly doubt Laura's dead, and I'm positive she didn't fall off the cliff. Calm down." Aragorn wrapped his arm around the sobbing girl's shoulders. I turned away, feeling awful, and kept digging.  
  
~Aragorn POV~  
  
I wrapped my arms around Lauren's shoulders as she started sobbing. We both watched as Legolas started digging faster and faster. Boromir trudged back through the snow to help him. Suddenly-  
  
"Damn!" Boromir tripped and fell face-first into a huge drift of snow. Everyone started laughing, even Lauren.  
  
"Boromir!" I said through my laughter, "what did you trip on?"  
  
"No idea." Boromir looked back behind him. "Oh, no-"  
  
"LAURA!!!" Lauren tugged away from me and knelt down next to her friend's body. "Oh my God.. Oh my god.. She's not breathing!"  
  
I ran and knelt next to her and held my sword under her nose. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Lauren screeched, pulling the blade away from Laura's body.  
  
"Don't! I'm seeing if she's breathing!" I put the sword back under her nose, and let out a sigh of relief as the metal steamed up a very tiny bit. "Thank the Valar."  
  
"Oh, god, thank you! Thank you!" Lauren picked up her friend clung to her.  
  
"Lauren, here, put this on her." Boromir took a cloak out of his pack, and Lauren wrapped it around Laura's body as the wind started to pick up.  
  
"Well, now what?" I asked, breathless with the cold.  
  
"We must make for the gap of Rohan, and take the west road to my city!" Boromir cried over the wind.  
  
"No! The gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard!" I yelled back.  
  
"We cannot pass over the mountain! Let us go under it! Let us go through the Mines of Moria," Gimli answered.  
  
Gandalf looked at all of us with a puzzled and thoughtful glance. "Let the Ringbearer decide," he said quietly.  
  
Frodo looked up at him, then at the rest of us. "We will go through the Mines."  
  
"So be it." Gandalf started trudging back the way we came. Legolas picked up Laura's still body, and we followed them back down the mountain.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
I couldn't see anything. I couldn't hear anything either, except for mumbling, and a few words like "LAURA!" "No!" "Mines." All I knew was that I was pretty damn cold.  
  
I felt someone pick me up, and I groaned. My body felt like it had been crushed. Oh wait, I thought to myself, I HAD been crushed.  
  
I heard a sweet-sounding voice whisper in my ear. I had no idea what language it was, but it was comforting.  
  
A little while later, I didn't feel as cold as before, and after that, my body temperature was almost back to normal.  
  
I felt my body suddenly being lowered towards the ground, and was relieved when I realized it wasn't snow I was being set on. I opened my eyes a tiny bit, then shut them again. It was bright! Up on the mountain, it had been dark from all of the snow.  
  
"Laura! Oh, please wake up!" I heard someone plead. The voice was extremely familiar..  
  
"Lauren?" I whispered to the silhouette of a girl against the bright sun.  
  
"Oh, thank god! She's awake!" I cringed as she yelled to everyone else in the camp, who came running over.  
  
"That was a mighty close call, Laura," Gandalf said. "You have a nasty bruise on your head, too."  
  
"Granfraad.." I mumbled. Everyone chuckled, and I shook my head to clear my thoughts. "I mean Gandalf. Gandalf. That's what I said."  
  
"Sure you did," Lauren said lovingly. "How do you feel?"  
  
"Shitty," I muttered.  
  
"Can't say I blame you. I mean, having several tons of snow fall on you isn't too fun, huh?"  
  
"Not exactly."  
  
"We were worried about you," Legolas said.  
  
"Really?" I asked, with a childish look on my face.  
  
"Well.. somewhat."  
  
"Jerk." I hit him softly on his arm as Gimli came shuffling towards us.  
  
"I, erm, uh, I'm glad that you're, uh, okay," he said gruffly.  
  
"Awwww, thanks you big fluffy head," I said, grinning. He mumbled and stalked away.  
  
"Well, now that we know that you are alright, we shall be heading to Moria tomorrow," Gandalf announced. "Here is a warning: when we are in the mines, you must be very silent. Evil things dwell in Khazad-dum, and we do not want to disturb them." Everyone nodded, and went back to what they were doing.  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
So the next day the Fellowship Plus Two (FPT) started out towards Moria. After about four hours of marching, we came to the Doors of Moria (angels sing "Ahhh!")  
  
"Ithilden.." I heard Gandalf mutter. "It mirrors only starlight and moonlight.."  
  
Suddenly a picture appeared on the rock wall. It looked like a neon light sign, if you ask me, which you didn't, but it's my opinion, and I'm telling the story right now, so NEH!!! *sticks out tongue* Ahem, sorry. Getting off track here..  
  
Anywho, Gandalf said, "It reads-" but Laura cut him off.  
  
"The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter. Thank you! I'll be here 'til Thursday! Try the veal!" She bowed and sat under a tree as I applauded and the Fellowship gaped.  
  
"You know Elvish?" Legolas asked.  
  
"No, but like I said before, Lauren and me know EXACTLY what's gonna happen!" she said with a big grin.  
  
"Indeed.." Legolas turned back to Gandalf, who started babbling something in Elvish. I giggled as he stood there with a completely stupid look on his face, and laughed out loud when he tried to push the door open.  
  
"And what, may I ask, is so funny?" he asked with a growl.  
  
"You-you- *snicker* YOU LOOK SO RETARDED!!!" Laura and I clutched our sides and started laughing our lungs out.  
  
"Oh Valar.." the rest muttered. This only sent us into more hysterics. After we had FINALLY calmed down, I looked over at Laura. "Auralay?" I asked in Pig Latin.  
  
"Esyay?"  
  
"Oday ouyay inkthay atthay eway ouldshay elltay emthay ethay asswordpay?" I asked.  
  
"Hmm.." Laura pondered for a moment. "Onay. Eythay eednay otay igurefay itay outay emselvesay. Esidesbay, Rodofay ouldshay aysay itay anyay inutemay.. ITSHAY!!!"  
  
"Atway?" I asked, panicking.  
  
"Ippinpay anday Errymay areay rowingthay ocksray intoay ethay akelay!"  
  
"Ammitday! Ohay ellway.."  
  
"It's a riddle!" Frodo cried.  
  
"Eesay?" Laura said, turning to me again.  
  
"What's the Elvish word for 'friend'?"  
  
"Mellon," Gandalf answered, and the doors swung open.  
  
"AND MR. GANDALF GREYHAME WINS AGAIN! YOU WIN.." I looked around, trying to think of something, "A BRAND.. NEW.. LEAF!!!" I pulled a leaf off one of the trees on either side of the door.  
  
"Stop! You're hurting the trees!" Legolas cried, ripping the leaf out of my hand and placing it lovingly on the exposed roots of the tree.  
  
"Sheesh.. tree hugger," Laura muttered. Then she scooted over towards me. "Aw, man, this is it! Now we hafta go look at a bunch of dead things!.." We both shuddered.  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
A foul stench reached my nose as we walked through the gates into Moria. I rolled my eyes as Gimli said, "Soon, Master Elf, you shall enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves! Roaring fires! Malt beer! Ripe meat off the bone! This, my friend," another roll of my eyes, "is the home of-"  
  
"Oh, put a sock in it, will ya? Geez, you are such an annoying little fluffy head aren't ya?" Lauren said. I chuckled and looked around as Gandalf lit up the room. My face fell. Oh, Valar..  
  
"This is no mine.. It's a tomb!" Boromir said.  
  
"No.. NOOO!!" Gimli cried as he saw the skeletons lying on the floor. I hate to admit it, but I felt somewhat sorry for him. I knelt down and inspected one of the arrows sticking out from between the ribs of one of the unfortunate dwarves.  
  
"Goblins!" I spat as I threw the arrow on the ground.  
  
"We make for the gap of Rohan! We shouldn't have ever come here! Get out! GET OUT!" Boromir cried. Everyone started backing up, when suddenly-  
  
"Ahh!" I spun around and saw Frodo being dragged towards the lake by a giant tentacle.  
  
"Frodo!" everyone cried, and we ran out to the shore. Laura and Lauren started hacking at the tentacle that was holding on to Frodo. "Strider!" Sam cried. Aragorn ran out and took one swipe at the arm, and it fell off. A roar came from the water, and a hideous creature showed its face.  
  
"OH MY GOD!!!" Laura shrieked. "Gross.. UGH!!! GET OFF ME!!!" She hacked at the tip of the arm that had wrapped itself around her upper thigh. "PERVERTED OCTOPUS!!!" Finally she took the small knife I had given her and stabbed the arm, which was now mutilated. It quickly pulled itself back into the water.  
  
As Frodo fell into his arms, Boromir yelled, "LEGOLAS!" which, obviously, caught my attention. I quickly pulled an arrow out of my quiver, and shot it into the eye of the Watcher. It gave a furious growl and came after all of us, but we were already back inside Moria. Laura and Lauren just barely made it inside before the giant beast pulled down the doors and trapped us in.  
  
There was silence for a moment, before I heard someone say, "Damn octopus thingy. Now I'm gonna have a bruise on my thigh, and if we ever get home-"  
  
"When we get home," Lauren corrected.  
  
"-IF we get home, everyone's gonna think I did.. uh.. impure things.." she trailed off. I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Shuddup, Princess Puff," she growled.  
  
"We now have but one choice. We must face the long dark of Moria," Gandalf said, lighting up the cave once again.  
  
"Thanks, Captain Obvious," Laura muttered. I nudged her in the ribs. "Ow! Stupid elf.."  
  
"Be on your guard," Gandalf said, irritation clearly in his tone. "There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world.."  
  
"Woohoo! I like older men.." Lauren said, and her companion sniggered. "Hey, how 'bout Leggy kins? He's about three thous-"  
  
"Hush! We need to be silent!" I said.  
  
"Ha ha! Looks like Leggy kins is embarrassed of his age," Laura taunted.  
  
"I am not! I just don't want to be killed by a bunch of orcs!"  
  
"Uh-huh. Suuuure, Leggy poo. I believe you." I stuck out my leg and she tripped, falling right on the lap of a skeleton. Her face went pale and she tried to scream, but air just passed her lips. Her eyes went wide, and then she fainted.  
  
"Great.. now look what you've done! She's terrified of dead.. things! Especially skeletons!" Lauren scolded. "Now you have to carry her again."  
  
"Fine! It's better than having to hear her gripe!" I picked up Laura's body (again), and followed the rest of the Fellowship.  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
"Damn elf," I muttered as Legolas walked past.  
  
Laura woke up about ten minutes later. "Are we at the candy store yet, mommy?" she asked. Legolas looked down at her. "Beg your pardon?"  
  
"I said, are we- AHHHH!!!" Laura screeched as she saw that Legolas was carrying her. "PUT ME DOWN!! PUT ME DOWN!!!" She started kicking frantically in his arms.  
  
"Have it your way!" Elf boy said, and he literally dropped her. Laura made an "Oof!" sound as she hit the solid rock. When she got up, she was rubbing her behind. "Asshole," she muttered.  
  
"Hush! We must be silent!" Gandalf whispered.  
  
The FPT started climbing an extremely steep flight of steps. They were so steep, in fact, that it was almost like walking up a ladder. At the top, we reached the place where the path split off into, not three, but SIX separate passages.  
  
"I have no memory of this place," the geezer whispered.  
  
"Aw, shit," I muttered. "There were only three in the movie!" Laura nodded in agreement.  
  
"CURSE YOU PETER JACKSON!!!" she called to no one in particular.  
  
"SHHH!!!" everyone said back.  
  
"Party poopers.."  
  
I walked over and plopped down next to Aragorn, who was smoking his pipe. "You do know that smoking gives you lung cancer, don't you?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Lung cancer! Smoking gives you lung cancer!"  
  
"What is lung cancer?" I looked over at Laura, who gave me an evil grin. I smirked back and nodded.  
  
"Well," I said in a creepy voice, "it's when you're lungs turn black."  
  
"What's so bad about that?" He was still skeptical.  
  
"No! That's not the worst of it! Then, your teeth turn BROWN!!!" He gasped. "And then, your lungs.."  
  
"Wha-what happens to your lungs?" he squeaked.  
  
"They blow up," I whispered menacingly.  
  
"YIKES!!!" He took his pipe and chucked it over the cliff. Laura and I started laughing our asses off.  
  
"YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE!!!" I started cracking up even more when she did a perfect impression.  
  
"You made me throw my pipe away for no reason!?" he yelped.  
  
"Uh.. well, the lung cancer thing isn't a lie, just the blowing up part.." I explained, and Laura snorted. Aragorn jumped up and approached us, but Legolas caught his shoulder.  
  
"You know, Aragorn, smoking doesn't help you smell any better either," he explained in a completely serious tone.  
  
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!" We just couldn't hold it in any longer. It had been so many long.. days since we had had such a good laugh.  
  
"Oh, shut up," Mr. Big-and-Mighty-Ranger-Dude growled, shoving all three of us.  
  
Laura gasped suddenly. "Lauren!! Lauren!! Lookie!!" she hissed.  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's GOLLUM!!!" she squealed.  
  
"YAY!!!" Gollum is the coolest character in Lord of the Rings, besides Legolas and Aragorn, of course. "Do you think we could talk to him?"  
  
"I doubt it. He might strangle us or something," she answered dejectedly.  
  
"Rats."  
  
"Oh! It's that way!" Gandalf said suddenly, then went into his little lecture about trusting your sense of smell to find your way. Well I say, what if you're trying to get to a Burger King, and you're sniffing for fries, but instead you find a McDonald's. THEN what do you do?  
  
Anywho, so we went down the staircase and out into a GIGANTIC room.. hall.. thing..  
  
"HOLY CRAP THIS THING IS HUGE!!" I cried.  
  
"Shh! Yes, it is the great dwarf realm and city of Dwarrowdelf," Gandalf told us.  
  
"Oooh, pretty stone pillars.." Laura muttered behind me, grinning.  
  
"AH!"  
  
"Aw crap, here we go.." I muttered.  
  
"Gimli!" The little fuzz head started trotting towards a smaller room, which Laura and I both knew was Balin's tomb.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
Everyone followed Gimli as he ran towards the tomb. I felt terrible for the little dude.. he must have been really close to his cousin. I patted his shoulder as he laid his head against the stone sarcophagus.  
  
"It reads, 'Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, Lord of Moria. He is dead then," Gandalf said sadly, taking off his cool pointy hat, and handing it to Pippin. He looked at the rest of us. "It is as I feared."  
  
He then handed Pippin his staff also, and knelt down next to a.. *gulp* dead body, which was holding a book.  
  
"Oh, sick!! Oh, gross!! Ew ew ew ew ew.." I couldn't stand the thought of anyone handling anything that had been touched by a dead person for the last ten years, or whatever.  
  
"We must move on," Legolas said hastily. "We cannot linger."  
  
"Duh, you silly fruit bowl," I muttered. I smirked as he glared at me.  
  
"They have taken the bridge, and the second hall.." Gandalf started reading from the Book of the Dead Icky Little Dwarf Thing, as I called it. Blah blah blah.. Aw, crap, here comes the big..  
  
BANG!!! BANG!!! BOOM!!! THUMP!!! CRASH!!! We all spun around and watched Pippin as the OTHER dead guy fell down the well. I shuddered with each crash, and couldn't help shaking when they were gone. I felt someone lay their hand on my shoulder. I turned around, and was amazed to see that it was Legolas. He looked with a terrified expression at Gandalf, then smiled down somewhat nervously at me. We both bowed our heads to the floor.  
  
"FOOL OF A TOOK!" Gandalf cried quietly. "Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!"  
  
Boom doom.. doom doom boom.. doom doom boom doom boom.. I looked at Lauren, suddenly terrified for my life. I jumped up and ran to Gandalf.  
  
"They are coming," I said quietly.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY REVIEWS!!! *wails* WHY ME!?!? 


	5. The FPT is almost killed by a bunch of d...

Disclaimer:  
  
Laura: I own all of them! *hugs the Fellowship, and ghost of Tolkien appears*  
  
Lauren: Uh, Laura?  
  
Laura: What? Oooh, crap.  
  
Tolkien: Let them go. *Laura lets all of them go except Legolas, who tries to run away, but Laura grabs his braid before he can get away*  
  
Legolas: Yeek! Ouch.  
  
Laura: Okay, I only own my Leggy poo.  
  
Legolas: Leggy poo??? YOURS??? Hey!  
  
Tolkien: Ahem?  
  
Laura: Pwease? *puppy face*  
  
Tolkien: NO.  
  
Lauren and Laura: Damn. *lets Legolas go*  
  
Legolas: I'M FREE!!! WOOHOO!!! *runs away happily*  
  
Laura and Lauren: *wail* We don't. own. ANY OF THEM!!! *fall on each other bawling*  
  
Random outburst for the chapter: TOOTHBRUSH!!!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 4: The FPT is attacked by smelly demented parrots  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
"They are coming," Laura said quietly. Gandalf looked down at her and nodded slowly as we heard shrieks that sounded very much like demented parrots.. wait, demented parrots? *confused look* Oh well.. anyways..  
  
"Orcs!" Legolas said.  
  
"Thanks for telling us. I hadn't realized that by now," Laura said under her breath. But Princess Puff was too distracted to even retort.  
  
"Get back!" Aragorn cried. "Stay close to Gandalf! Bar the doors!"  
  
"No! Do not close the east door! We still may have a chance to get out!" Gandalf snapped back. Boromir stuck his head out the doorway just as two arrows came flying towards him.  
  
"Damn!" he cried as he pulled his head away and slammed the door shut. "They have a cave troll," he said angrily to Aragorn. Legolas started throwing spears, axes, and anything else that was big that he could find to bar the door with.  
  
"Hey! Hey! Be careful!" Laura said angrily. "You could take someone's eye out!"  
  
Laura and I watched from behind the old geezer as the door started rattling and shaking. "Oh God.. oh God.. we're all gonna die.." I whimpered.  
  
"Shuddup! No we won't!" But Laura didn't sound too confident either. We both screamed when one of the orcs outside the door smashed through with its spear. Legolas aimed his arrow at the small hole and shot. We heard a pained screech as it hit the orc.  
  
BANG!!! BANG!!! The orcs finally smashed down the door. Legolas shot one through the throat as Aragorn shot another in the forehead. And so the battle began.  
  
Laura, the hobbits and I watched from behind Gandalf, our eyes wide with terror. Aragorn started getting all freaky and yelling as he swiped off an orc's head. "Ew," I murmured.  
  
"What the-?" Laura said as Frodo charged, his sword drawn and screaming. The other three midgets followed suit. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" I called to Laura as I followed them. "Shit.." I heard her say, but she came running behind me.  
  
Immediately an orc came after both of us. "YEEK!" Laura screamed as it took a jab at us.  
  
"YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!!! DON'T YOU DARE HURT MY FRIEND!!!" I roared and began jabbing it harshly with my battle knife. The demented parrot thingy got all pissed and turned on me. I screeched as it raised its scimitar, and I clenched my eyes shut. But I never felt anything slice through my arm. I opened my eyes just as a whizzing noise went by my ear and the orc fell backwards on top of Laura, an arrow through its face. I spun around and saw Legolas with his bow up in front of his face. "Thankies!" I called to him.  
  
"Woof!" Blondie (Laura's nickname) exclaimed as she was crushed under the.. thing. "Oh, sick.. Don't these things ever BATHE!?"  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
I just barely had time to draw and nock an arrow before the orc would have killed both Lauren and Laura. I smiled as Lauren turned around and yelled, "Thankies!" before helping the dead figure off her friend.  
  
I turned as I heard a roaring sound behind me. I watched as an orc with a pointed helmet brought in the cave troll on a leash made of a thick chain. I nocked another arrow and shot into the troll's chest. But instead of going after me, it raised its club and swung at Sam, who just barely missed being crushed by diving between its legs. I turned my attention away as more orcs came after me.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
"Woohoo! Go Sam!" I called as he dodged between the cave troll's legs. I was interrupted from my cheerleading moment, however, by yet ANOTHER orc that for SOME reason wanted to kill us. I don't know why! *puppy face*  
  
"Take that, you oversized butterball!" I said, and kicked him where the sun don't shine (if you get my meaning). When he curled over, Lauren took his dropped sword and swiped off its head.  
  
"Yay! This is great stress relief!" she said.  
  
"EW!!! ORC BLOOD!!!" I wiped off the black substance with my hand and wiped it in her hair.  
  
"SICK!!!" But she didn't have a chance to punch me, because Gimli was being attacked by the cave troll.  
  
"Split up and go on its other side!" I called to Lauren. She nodded and ran over to the troll's left side.  
  
"HEY YOU BIG SHELL-LESS TURTLE!!! WHY DON'T YOU PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE!?" I screamed at it. The troll looked down at me and roared (literally) in my face. "Darlin', you need a breath mint, 'cause you have THE worst breath I ever did see," I said simply, and chucked a rock into its throat. The cave troll made a gagging noise and clutched its neck as Lauren started mutilating its left leg.  
  
"Thank you, young maidens!" Gimli called as he swung his axe at an orc.  
  
"YOU OWE US!" Lauren cried back. I picked up an orc scimitar and started hacking away at another parrot. Heheh.. parrot.. funny..  
  
"Laura!! Lookie!!" Lauren called. I stopped and watched as Legolas came within inches of getting his own head swiped off by the cave troll's chain. "NEAT-O!!!" I screamed as he ran up the chain and fired an arrow into its head and jumped off. "GO LEGGY!! GO LEGGY!! IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!! IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.. YEEK!!!"  
  
The cave troll came after ME!! Yes, me!! What did I do? I was just an innocent bystander.. Okay, maybe not INNOCENT, but I was still a bystander! I jumped under a fallen pillar and hid as it stalked by. "Too close.. WAY too close!" I panted.  
  
I crawled out just as the troll trapped Frodo. "ARAGORN!" he screamed, but it was too late. The cave troll took the spear and drove it into Frodo's stomach. At first I wanted to scream, but then I remembered that he was gonna be okay. So I turned around and hit an orc in the face with my sword. Just as I finally killed it, I heard a groaning sound behind me. I spun around and just barely missed being crushed by the dead cave troll.  
  
"Woohoo, that was close!" I said to no one in particular, because everyone had run over to where Frodo was lying. I rolled my eyes as I walked up to them.  
  
"Oh no.." Aragorn muttered.  
  
"He's fine! He's just being a drama queen," I said as I crossed my arms over my chest. Everyone looked at me, horrified. I grinned as Frodo started groaning again. "Told ya," I said simply.  
  
"I'm alright! I'm not hurt!" he panted as he sat up. Yadda yadda yadda.. My eyes got big as he opened his shirt and showed the mithril armor. "Oooh.. Shiny.." I said with a smirk. Legolas looked at me and rolled his eyes. I wrinkled my nose in disgust when Sam reached out and started to touch the silver chain mail. "Perv," Lauren muttered. I giggled.  
  
Suddenly we heard SQUAWK!!! SQUAWK!!! SQUAWK!!! from outside the tomb. "Oh no!!!" Lauren yelped. "The parrots came back!!!" Everyone turned and stared at her as I started laughing.  
  
~Aragorn POV~  
  
"Parrots?" I asked. All I got for an answer was laughter.  
  
Gandalf rolled his eyes. "To the bridge of Khazad-dum!" he cried. We ran as fast as we could out the east door of the tomb.  
  
As we ran back through the giant hall, thousands of orcs poured out of the cracks in the walls. They climbed down the pillars and began chasing us. But no matter how fast we ran, we still became surrounded by the demon creatures. Legolas drew an arrow and fitted it to his bow, while Boromir and I pulled out our swords from our sheathes. Suddenly it became quiet.  
  
"ROOAAAR!!!" A huge growl filled the air, and the orcs started jumping and squealing. We watched as a bright light filled the usually dark chamber. The orcs climbed back up the huge pillars and disappeared.  
  
"What is this new devilry?" Boromir murmured. Gandalf closed his eyes and appeared to be deep in thought.  
  
"A Balrog," he answered solemnly, lifting up his face. "A demon of the ancient world." Legolas' eyes filled with terror, and he seemed frozen in place. Lauren placed a hand on his shoulder, and he nearly jumped a foot. "Legolas?" she said quietly.  
  
"This foe is beyond any of you," Gandalf said. "RUN!" And by the Valar, we ran.  
  
We ran down a flight of stairs out into a giant underground cave. Boromir was first, but the stairs ended suddenly. I thought he would fall down into the deeps, but Legolas caught him and pulled him back. Once I was sure both of them were alright, I turned back to Gandalf.  
  
"Gandalf!?" I asked.  
  
"Go Aragorn! The bridge is near!" He pointed with his walking stick towards an arc across the vast emptiness. I tried to grab him and pull him along with me, but he shoved me away. "Go! Swords are of no more use here!" I ran down some more stairs. (It seemed like the whole blasted city was stairs!)  
  
Now we were running down a ramp type thing made of stairs.. that is, until we reached a six-foot gap in them. We all halted and looked at it. Legolas was the first to jump, then he turned around. "Gandalf!" he called.  
  
Another roar split through the air, and huge boulders fell off the walls. Gandalf looked behind him, then leaped.  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
I caught Gandalf just as he reached the other side of the gap. Suddenly an arrow flew through the air and landed right at Laura and Lauren's feet. "Holy shit!" Laura screamed, leaping back. I looked up: Orcs were firing arrows from almost four hundred yards away down at us. I nocked an arrow and aimed. It hit the orc right in his forehead. He fell into the abyss screaming.  
  
I turned my attention back to my companions on the other side of the bridge. "Aragorn! Get them across!" I called. He turned to the hobbits and tossed them over one by one. Then he turned to Gimli. "No one tosses a Dwarf!" he declared, then tried to leap over himself. I knew he wouldn't make it when he was halfway across. He barely landed with his feet on the ledge. I reached out and grabbed him by his beard. "NOT THE BEARD!!!" he shouted. I rolled my eyes and gave his face a good jerk, which brought him on the stairs all the way. He mumbled as he walked back behind me, gently rubbing his chin.  
  
I turned back again to the remaining four people: Frodo, Laura, Lauren, and Aragorn. "Laura! Jump!" I cried. She bit her lip and nodded. She leapt more than far enough. She landed a foot behind me, just as another boulder fell and made the gap another two feet wider.  
  
"Nice!" Lauren called to her friend. "Ready?" she asked. Laura and I nodded, and she gulped. "Okay, here goes.." and she jumped.  
  
I swear by the Valar, both of those children are accident-prone. Lauren flew through the air, but didn't make it to the other side. A foot away from our side of the gap, she started falling. "LAURA!!!!" she screamed.  
  
Laura lunged out and barely caught her friend's hand. "OH MY GOD!!!" she screeched. "LEGOLAS!! HELP ME!!!" I quickly knelt down and helped her pull Lauren up.  
  
Now only Aragorn and Frodo were left on the other side. But another roar sounded, and yet ANOTHER boulder fell onto-  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
Dude, you talk too much! Anyways, it's exactly what happened in the movie.  
  
So we all are running across the bridge, when we finally see the Balrog up close. I turned around at the middle of the bridge and froze. It was the most horrifying thing I've ever seen. Again, it was the same as the movie, but scarier.  
  
So then Gandalf shoves me and tells me to go all the way to solid ground on the other side of the bridge. I ran my ass off just as the Balrog pulled out his fire sword thingamajig. "You cannot pass!" the old dude yelled. Even though I knew what was going to happen, I was still terrified.  
  
"ROOOOAAR!!!" said the Balrog.  
  
"Yeek!" said I.  
  
"Go back to the Shadow!" said Gandalf.  
  
"ROOOOAAR!!!" said the Balrog.. again. He brought down his sword against Gandalf's little dome of light thing, but it just shattered.  
  
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Gandalf yelled. And he smashed his staff against the bridge. Nothing happened.  
  
The Balrog stepped out onto the narrow rock ledge, and it crumbled beneath him. Gandalf watched calmly as it fell down into the bottomless canyon. And then.. *gulp*, the Balrog took its whip and wrapped it around his ankle, and pulled him down.  
  
Gandalf looked at our horrified faces. "Fly you fools!" And then he was gone.  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
"NOOOOOO!!!" Frodo screamed. I felt so sorry for the poor little bugga. Boromir picked him up and started running for the exit. All of us followed except for Aragorn, who was still staring at the spot that Gandalf had disappeared from.  
  
"ARAGORN!!! C'MON!!!" I yelled. He seemed to snap out of a trance, and he followed us out of Moria.  
  
When we finally exited the Mines, the scenery was just like that in the movie. A big slab of rock, basically. We all found our own little places to sit down at. Everyone seemed sad except for Aragorn, Laura and I. Although, I'm sure Aragorn was crushed, because I think he was really close to Gandalf.  
  
Laura came over and sat next to me, and we started talking silently in Pig Latin (although I'll make it less confusing and put it in normal English).  
  
"Should we tell them that it'll be alright?" she asked me.  
  
"No. Think about what might happen if they knew," I explained.  
  
She nodded. "You're right. I guess I'm sort of sad myself."  
  
"Yeah, me too." We wrapped our arms around each other's shoulders.  
  
"Legolas! Get them up," Aragorn commanded. (I think he's a Neo Nazi in disguise..) Legolas nodded, and started to help, when Boromir acted like a dumbass and tried to argue.  
  
"Give it a rest, you asshole," Laura muttered. "Let's just get to Lorien and get going."  
  
"What?" I asked.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You said 'Let's get to Lauren and get going.'"  
  
"No, dumb-dumb. I said LORIEN."  
  
"Oooh," I said with a look of revelation. "Yeah, let's go."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
YAY!!! I got my first review.. wait a minute.. I'VE ONLY GOTTEN ONE!!!! HELLO PEOPLE!!!! LET'S REVIEW LAURA'S STORY HERE!!!! :-(  
  
Krystyna: Well, I'm glad that my story got rid of the pre-test jitters. ( Glad you're enjoying it!! TELL YOUR FRIENDS!!! hehe *innocent smile* 


	6. Creepy elf witch lady talks to the FPT i...

Disclaimer:  
  
Laura: I own all of them! *hugs the Fellowship, and ghost of Tolkien appears*  
  
Lauren: Uh, Laura?  
  
Laura: What? Oooh, crap.  
  
Tolkien: Let them go. *Laura lets all of them go except Legolas, who tries to run away, but Laura grabs his braid before he can get away*  
  
Legolas: Yeek! Ouch.  
  
Laura: Okay, I only own my Leggy poo.  
  
Legolas: Leggy poo??? YOURS??? Hey!  
  
Tolkien: Ahem?  
  
Laura: Pwease? *puppy face*  
  
Tolkien: NO.  
  
Lauren and Laura: Damn. *lets Legolas go*  
  
Legolas: I'M FREE!!! WOOHOO!!! *runs away happily*  
  
Laura and Lauren: *wail* We don't. own. ANY OF THEM!!! *fall on each other bawling*  
  
Random comment for the chapter: Aragorn looks really gay when he's stabbing the cave troll with the spear thing. ^.^ Heheh, like this: :-B Heheh, evil buck-toothed geek.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 6: The creepy elf lady talks to the FPT inside their heads  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
So we walked some more. And more. And more. And more.. until finally we reached the river (which is EXTREMELY cold, I might add) where Aragorn trots across and smiles stupidly at the woods of Lothlorien. Whoopity doo da, what fun, right? NOT.  
  
So then we trot (sprint) happily (HA!!!) across a big open field (that's about five miles across), and by the time we reach the other side, Lauren's lungs (and mine) were about to fall out. Obviously, we weren't big runners. On the other side of the massive field of death, the woods of Lorien just suddenly appear.  
  
When we stepped through into the trees, almost immediately we heard a sound that sounded like wind chimes. "Oooh, purdy music," Lauren said. I giggled hysterically. I'm not really sure why.  
  
"Shh!" Gimli said. "Stay close, young friends," he murmured nervously. I think he was more scared than we were. "They say an evil sorceress lives in these woods. An Elf witch.. of terrible power. All who look upon her fall under her spell, and are never seen again."  
  
"Oh, shuddup, Gimli. You don't know shit about Galadriel," I muttered. Aragorn and Legolas turned around and looked approvingly at me.  
  
"Well," he said huffily, "here's ONE dwarf she won't ensnare so easily."  
  
"Oh really?" Lauren said sarcastically.  
  
"Yes. I've got the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox." I made a "Psh!" sound to show my sarcasm.  
  
We walked along a little ways, and came upon a stream. Legolas gasped. "Do you hear her voice?" he asked breathlessly.  
  
"Whose?" Lauren and I said at the exact same time.  
  
"Nimrodel's." He stared, enchanted, at the stream. Suddenly, I really COULD hear something. It sounded like a woman sweetly singing in a different language. "I shall sing a song about Nimrodel, who bears the same name as the stream we stand next to," Legolas said, sitting down on the roots of one of the massive trees. We all followed suit.  
  
"An Elvin-maiden there was of old, A shining star by day: Her mantle white was hemmed with gold, Her shoes of silver-grey.  
  
A star was bound upon her brows, A light was on her hair, As sun upon the golden boughs In Lorien the fair.  
  
Her hair was long, her limbs were white, And fair she was and free; And in the wind she went as light As leaf of linden-tree.  
  
Beside the falls of Nimrodel By water clear and cool, Her voice as falling silver fell Into the shining pool  
  
Where now she wanders none can tell, In sunlight or in shade; For lost of yore was Nimrodel And in the mountains strayed.  
  
The elven-ship in haven grey Beneath the mountain-lee Awaited her for many a day Beside the roaring sea.  
  
A wind by night in Northern lands Arose, and loud it cried, And drove the ship from elven-strands Across the streaming tide.  
  
When dawn came dim the land was lost The mountains sinking grey Beyond the heaving waves that tossed Their plumes of blinding spray.  
  
Amroth beheld the fading shore Now low beyond the swell, And cursed the faithless ship that bore Him far from Nimrodel.  
  
Of old he was an Elven-king, A lord of tree and glen, When golden were the boughs in spring In fair Lothlorien.  
  
From helm to sea they saw him leap, As arrow from the string, And dive into the water deep, As mew upon the wing.  
  
The wind was in his flowing hair, The foam about him shone; Afar they saw him strong and fair Go riding like a swan."  
  
"Swan and shone don't rhyme," Gimli murmured. I kicked him harshly between the legs.  
  
"But from the West has come no word, And on the Hither Shore No tidings Elven-folk have heard Of Amroth evermore."  
  
Legolas stopped, and his voice quavered slightly. "I can't go on," he said sadly. "I have forgotten much, and the song is very long. It tells how sorrow came to Lothlorien, when the dwarves awakened evil in the mountains."  
  
"But the dwarves did not MAKE the evil," Gimli argued.  
  
"He didn't say that they did," I said angrily. Everyone looked at me, and it was just then that I realized I was crying. I hastily tried to wipe away the tears, but they just kept coming. "I'm sorry. I'm just a crier, I guess." I smiled slightly.  
  
Legolas laid a hand on my shoulder. "I don't blame you. It is very sad, and we are all deep in anguish from the loss of Gandalf." If elves could cry (which they can't, to all of you who didn't know), I knew he would be crying, too.  
  
"I'm sad, but things that are beautiful, like that song, make me cry, too. I'm just so sentimental."  
  
"No kidding. You cried at the Blink-182 concert, you silly." I hit Lauren hard on her shoulder.  
  
"We should get moving now. Thank you, Legolas," Aragorn said. The elf just nodded and stood up.  
  
We walked for several more hours until it was nearly twilight. Legolas was really interested in the trees. "I'm going to climb up, and know how these trees grow. They are called the Mellyn trees. They have beautiful golden blossoms. Alas that it is winter!" he cried sadly, and I felt like I would start bawling.  
  
He leapt up and grabbed a branch that was nearly ten feet over his head. Suddenly a voice called, "DARO!" He let go and fell to the ground and pressed us all against the tree trunk. "Be silent!" he said quietly. Far up above I heard some soft laughter, and Legolas looked up. He smiled and answered in the same language. Then he turned to us.  
  
"Who are they?" Sam asked nervously.  
  
"Elves, you retard," Lauren said disgustedly.  
  
"What do they say?" Gimli asked grumpily.  
  
"They say, Gimli, that you breathe so loud they could have shot you in the dark," Legolas answered with a smirk. Gimli looked up into the canopy and made a face. "But they said not to worry. They've been following us for a while, because they heard me sing next to the Nimrodel." He looked up and again spoke to the elves above us. "They told me to climb up. Frodo, you follow, and then Lauren and Laura. You all may come up if you wish, also." Legolas grabbed the rope ladder that had appeared from up above and practically ran up it.  
  
Next went Frodo. After he was halfway up, Lauren turned to me. "You know I'm afraid of heights. You go up first, then call down and tell me how high it is." I nodded and started up the ladder. (Thank God I wasn't wearing a dress, huh? Heheh..)  
  
When I was about halfway up also, I looked down. Lauren's face looked like a little speck. I shrieked quietly and gripped the ladder harder. I decided I should probably go up a bit more carefully, so I took it one step at a time.  
  
Once I reached the top, I felt someone grab my hand. I looked up and saw an Elf, but it wasn't Legolas, although he looked a bit like him. Heheh, he was really hot, too. *snicker* He pulled me up, and I practically fell on top of him. "Whoopsies. Sorry 'bout that," I said hurriedly, then ran over to sit between Frodo and Legolas. The elf looked at me with a peculiar expression and blinked, then turned to Frodo. "Creoso*," he said. Frodo said something back, and then the elf spoke in English (thank god). *Okay, I'm PRETTY sure "Creoso" means Welcome, but I'm not positive. OH WELL. Screw it. I don't speak elvish, so don't give me any crap.  
  
"Welcome. I am Haldir." He looked at me when I giggled. What? He was cute! "We have heard of your approach. Messengers from Elrond came to Lorien on their way home up from the Dimrill Stair. And since you have an Elf with you" -he gestured to Legolas- "you must be of whom they spoke. How many do you have with you?"  
  
"Ten," Legolas answered. "Myself, four hobbits, and four humans. One of whom, Aragorn, is an Elf-friend of the folk of the Westernesse." Again I got really bored and pulled my Walkman out of my backpack. I inconspicuously slipped the headphones into my ears and put in my Simple Plan CD. I turned the volume down as low as I could and acted like I was listening to what they were saying.  
  
I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare  
  
I'm just a kid I know that it's not fair  
  
Nobody cares cause I'm alone and the world is  
  
Nobody wants to be alone in the world  
  
I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare  
  
I'm just a kid I know that it's not fair  
  
Nobody cares cause I'm alone and the world is  
  
Nobody wants to be alone in the world  
  
Nobody cares cause I'm alone and the world is  
  
Having more fun then me  
  
Tonight  
  
I'm all alone  
  
Tonight  
  
Nobody cares  
  
Tonight  
  
Cause I'm just a kid  
  
Tonight (Simple Plan- I'm Just A Kid) ~Lauren POV~  
  
As I climbed up onto the little platform, Legolas was explaining who was with him. "Myself, four hobbits, and four humans," he answered to another blonde elf, whom I knew immediately must be Haldir. I turned to Laura. "You never called to me," I whispered. She shrugged and kept staring at Haldir.  
  
"But you have only named nine," Haldir explained. "Who is the tenth member?"  
  
Legolas hesitated slightly. "A dwarf," he murmured, sounding embarrassed.  
  
"A dwarf!?" Haldir cried. "That's not good," he murmured to himself. Then he talked to the other two elves from Lothlorien who were next to him in Elvish. "Very well," he sighed. "He can stay. But we can't leave your friends on the ground, for there have been reports of orcs in Lorien. There is another talan* in the next tree. Some of you may stay here, and the others may sleep in the other one." *Talans are the platforms that the Galadrim (people from Lorien) build in some of the trees. They are used to sleep in or to hide in if there's danger.  
  
Legolas nodded and went down the silvery ladder again. Laura and I were about to follow, but he held up his hand. "You don't need to come down. You may sleep here tonight; I will bring up your things." We nodded and sat back down.  
  
"So," Haldir turned to us. "Where have you fair maidens come from?"  
  
"We're.. erm.. uh.. from.." Laura looked at me.  
  
"Gondor," I finished. "Yes. We're from Gondor."  
  
"Indeed. And why have you accompanied the Fellowship to Lothlorien?"  
  
"Because Elrond told us to?" Laura said hesitantly.  
  
"I see. Well, I welcome you both to Lothlorien. Tomorrow we shall take you to see the Lady Galadriel," Haldir explained. "I suggest you take some rest to recover your strength, for it is a fairly long walk." He started to go down the ladder. "My companions and I shall be in the next tree. If you need anything, tell Legolas and he will let us know." I nodded.  
  
"Bye Haldir!" Laura called sweetly. I rolled my eyes as she giggled.  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
As I reached the ground, I turned to Aragorn and explained what Haldir had told us. "I see. Well, we are going to see Lady Galadriel tomorrow, and we shall tell her about.. about Gandalf," Aragorn said sadly.  
  
I nodded. "Haldir says that there is a talan in that tree over there. You, Boromir, and the hobbits shall sleep there, while Laura, Lauren, Gimli, and I shall sleep in this tree."  
  
I turned as Haldir came down the ladder. "We are leaving now. But we shall be back early tomorrow morning. Keep an eye on that dwarf!" he called as he and his companions disappeared into the woods.  
  
I looked back at Aragorn. "You and the hobbits should probably go up now. Don't forget to pull up the ladder when you reach the top." He nodded and motioned for the others to follow him. I turned to the dwarf. "Come Gimli. We are going to sleep up here." He grumbled as he started climbing the ladder.  
  
Once we reached the top (after about ten minutes, because Gimli was so slow), I gave Lauren and Laura their packs. "We must stay up here for the whole night," I explained. "There may be orcs around, and it is dangerous. Do not leave under any conditions."  
  
"'Kay," Laura said sleepily. "G'night." She fell asleep almost instantly.  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
I stayed up almost the whole night. For some reason I couldn't sleep, no matter how hard I tried. I tried counting everything from sheep to the number of wrinkles on my palm, but nothing worked. I looked over at Laura, who was snoring loudly. I sat up and whapped her with my pack. "Shuddup. I'm trying to sleep."  
  
"Gerfenelgijigit," she murmured, then fell back asleep.  
  
Suddenly we heard footsteps below us. Legolas bolted to the edge of the talan and peered over. "Yrch!" he said disgustedly. "Stay silent!"  
  
Laura had woken back up when he yelled "Yrch!" and was trembling. "Mommy.." she squeaked, and grabbed me in a bear hug.  
  
"Blondie.. Lauren needs to breathe.." I gasped. "..Please?" *gasp*  
  
"Oooh right.. sorry." She let go, and hugged her knees instead. Gimli picked up his axe and started muttering. It sounded like baby talk, quite frankly, but that's not the point.  
  
Once the orcs had gone, Laura let out a sigh. "Thank the cheese gods!" she said to the sky. Legolas looked at her with a raised eyebrow and blinked several times, as elves tend to do when they are confused or seriously disturbed by a certain blonde girl who can't control her random outbursts.. sorry, getting off track again..  
  
*ahem* Anyways, so the next morning we all merrily jumped off the talan and died.  
  
THE END  
  
Well, not really. But I really wanted to say that.. SO.. yes. Um, so we climbed down the silver-rope ladder thingy and met Haldir at the bottom.  
  
"Good morning, fair maidens," he said, bowing. I thought Laura would faint. "Loser," I muttered. She kicked me.  
  
"Now we must depart, and make for the palace of the Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel. The walk is long, and will take most of the day." Haldir turned and led us down the barely visible trail.  
  
"Farewell, sweet Nimrodel!" Legolas cried. I don't believe I've ever seen someone quite so attached to a stream before. How odd.. Anywho, I looked at him with a disturbed expression. "Leggy," I said, "it's a STREAM. A stream. A little bit of running water-"  
  
"Oh, stuff it, Prometheus. No one asked you." Laura defended Legolas. Heheh, back home, she's completely infatuated with the guy. Like one time, I went into-  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
SHUDDUP LAUREN!!! *ahem* Anyways, so we followed Haldir a ways down the path. (I had a very nice view, being right behind him and all *snicker*) After about an hour, we came to another stream.. actually, it was a river, but that's not the point.  
  
"Behold the Celebrant," Haldir said proudly. (Woohoo, a stream, I thought.) "Its waters are swift, so we must cross using a bridge." He threw a rope across the stream, and another elf caught it and tied it to a tree.  
  
"Nice bridge," I muttered. It was really cool, though, when he ran across it like it was a normal road, looking extremely hot while doing so, I might add.  
  
When he came back, Legolas explained, "I can walk this path, but what of the others?"  
  
"We can attach another rope above it," Haldir explained. Legolas walked across the rope (also looking very hot), while Haldir tied another rope a few feet about the lower one. Then he carried it across the stream and tied it on the tree. "Come!" he called. "You may cross."  
  
"Me first!" I screamed. I grabbed the upper rope and quickly walked across the lower one. It was much easier than I thought it would be. I made it all the way across without falling off.  
  
"Woohoo! Go me!" I yelled across the stream to Lauren.  
  
"Showoff," I heard her say. She stepped onto the rope next, and made it across okay, but much more slowly.  
  
"Well, I'm still better than you," I said snobbishly.  
  
"Uh-huh. Whatever. Why don't you tell your boyfriend over there?" She pointed to Haldir, who was staring at us.  
  
"Hi Haldir!" I said girlishly. He nodded his head. "Well done, young maiden. You are almost as light-footed as the elves." I started giggling hysterically.  
  
"Put a sock in it, Blondie," Lauren said, shoving me. I just kept giggling.  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
Valar, Laura was getting on my nerves. She just followed poor Haldir around like a puppy.. a seriously disturbed puppy. (Laura: I RESENT THAT!!! I'M HAPPILY LIVING WITH MY INSANITY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!)  
  
After walking for most of the rest of the day, we finally reached the middle of Lothlorien, where Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn live. We made our way up a very long flight of stairs, up into the canopy of the trees, Laura still blabbing on about something.  
  
When we reached the palace (which, I heard Lauren say, looks exactly like it did in the movie.. Movie? What is a movie?..), we were told to wait at the bottom of a short flight of stairs. A few minutes later, Celeborn and Galadriel appeared. The Lady Galadriel was more beautiful than I ever imagined-  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
BEAUTIFUL?? HA!!! *rolls on the floor laughing* HOW ABOUT CREEPY AND INSANE!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
*ahem* Sorry.. Anywho, so Creepy Elf Witch Lady comes down with Creepy Elf King Dude, and I was all freaked out 'cause they both are terrifying.  
  
So they walk down the stairs, and Galadriel is staring at us like we're some sort of pond scum or whatever.  
  
"Ten there are here yet eleven there were set out from Rivendell*. Tell me, where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him." Celeborn stared hard at Aragorn, as did Galadriel.(*Wow, that sounds really weird, don't it? Heheh..)  
  
"He..has..fallen..into..shadow.." Galadriel said in a reeeeally creepy voice. (That's what all the periods mean, just to let you know.) "The Quest stands upon the edge of a knife." *shiver* "Stray but a little and it will fail, to the ruin of all." She turned and looked at Boromir, who started to cry. "But hope remains while the company is true." Here she looked at Sam, who blushed and stared at the ground. "Do not let your hearts be troubled, for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. Tonight, you shall sleep in peace." She looked at Frodo, and started acting all weird. I shivered.. again..  
  
Then she looked at me. I heard a voice inside my head.  
  
"Do you fear me, child?" I looked up at her.  
  
"Do you want me to tell the truth?" I said to her mentally.  
  
"Even if you do not, I shall still know the truth. Do not try to lie to me. It would be useless."  
  
I sighed. "Yes, my lady. To be quite honest, I am terrified of you. But I don't think you're evil."  
  
"I see." She turned away and stared at Laura.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
Think happy thoughts... think happy thoughts.. pink ponies running through fields of daisies.. Yeek!! She's looking at me! I thought. Oh no, oh no, oh no..  
  
"And you, young maid. What troubles you?" I heard her inside my head.  
  
"My lady, I'm afraid. I want to go home, and, frankly, you scare the bejesus out of me," I said back in a firm voice.. well, not really a voice, but you know what I mean.  
  
"Indeed. Why are you frightened of me?" She stared into my eyes.  
  
"You're creepy," I stated simply.  
  
She smiled. "Am I? Well, I apologize for being 'creepy'. Do not be troubled by me, my child. I will do you no harm."  
  
"I know." I smiled slightly, and she turned away.  
  
A while later, we were excused, and Haldir (*sigh*) led us to where we would sleep for the night. "Have a good evening, my friends. Sweet dreams, arwen en amin." He kissed my hand, and I came this close (---) to fainting.  
  
"G'night," I said dreamily. Legolas and Lauren both gave a disgusted sigh. "Shuddup you two," I growled.  
  
"Poor Haldir," Legolas said sadly, shaking his head. "Alas that he should be followed around by a disturbed blonde-haired child.. OW!!!" I punched him really hard in the stomach and he fell down.  
  
"Oooh, I'm sowwy, Wegowas. Did I huwt you? Poor baby." I knelt down next to him and patted his head. "Perhaps I should get some anger management, huh?"  
  
"You could say that again," he muttered in a strained voice. "Demon child."  
  
"I resent that, too! First you call me insane, and then you.. wait a minute.. how did I know that you called me insane? Is someone writing a very messed up fanfiction or something? HEY!! GET OUTTA HERE, YA FREAK!!!" I yelled.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Lauren muttered.  
  
"Never mind. Let's just get some sleep." I laid down on my little cot/couch/bed/thingy. "G'night, all!"  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
Okay, I think that Creepy Elf Witch Lady put some insomnia spell on Lothlorien or something, 'cause I couldn't sleep that night either. I watched as everyone else happily drifted off to dreamland, but I stayed awake.  
  
I looked over at Legolas. Yeesh, he looks creepy sleeping with his eyes open. I shuddered and turned away.  
  
Suddenly I heard a soft rustling noise. I closed my eyes just as Galadriel walked by. I peeked and watched as Frodo got up and followed her.  
  
"Laura!! Laura, get up!" I shook the demon teenager.  
  
"Did I get it right, Alex? Do I win the Daily Double?" she muttered.  
  
I smacked her face. "Wake up, you dumbass. Galadriel just went by."  
  
Immediately she became wide-awake. "You mean Creepy Elf Witch Lady?" she asked with a shudder.  
  
"Yes! C'mon!" I gestured and we followed Frodo.  
  
After about three minutes we came to a small clearing about ten feet below us. Frodo and Galadriel walked down a flight of stairs, where there was a pedestal and a small pool. We hid behind some gigantic ferns.  
  
"Will you look in the Mirror?" Galadriel asked, dipping a pitcher into the pool  
  
"What will I see?"  
  
"Even the wisest cannot tell, for the Mirror shows many things. Things that were.." She walked towards the pedestal, "Things that are.." She poured the water into the little bowl, holding the pitcher equal with her head and splashing the water everywhere, "And some things.." she finished pouring the water, "That have not yet come to pass."  
  
Frodo stepped up to the pedestal and looked into it, then at her. She looked at him, then down at the bowl. Immediately, Laura and I could see the water begin to shake. Frodo peered closer at it. Suddenly some unseen force pulled the Ring out from under his shirt and closer to the surface. The water glowed red, and we heard an evil voice start to mutter. Frodo got a panicked look on his face, then suddenly pulled away from the Mirror. He fell back onto the ground. Galadriel just stared at him.  
  
Laura and I giggled. We always thought that this part in the movie was really funny, 'cause poor Frodo is sitting on his ass on the ground, and Galadriel just stares at him.  
  
Evil Elf Witch Lady looked up at our hiding spot. "I have been aware of your presence, young children." Yeesh, it was the creepy inside-your-head Galadriel again. "Do not tell of what you have seen." She looked down at Frodo. "I know what it is you saw. For it has also been on MY mind." Then she just looked hard at him. We knew she was speaking to him inside his head. Frodo held out the ring.  
  
"I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this," she muttered, holding her hand out over the Ring. Then she held her hands out to either side of her, like Rose in Titanic (which is the GAYEST movie I have EVER seen, by the way). "Instead of a dark lord you shall have a QUEEN!" she yelled.  
  
And then, *gulp* she didn't turn green, ladies and gentlemen, but RED, which was TEN TIMES more terrifying. Her eyes became huge, and the irises turned yellow. "BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE!! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!!" she screamed. And then, she went back to normal, a shocked look on her face.  
  
She gasped and looked at Frodo with an ashamed expression. "I pass the test," she said quietly. "I shall diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel." She turned away.  
  
Frodo put the chain that the Ring was on back around his neck. "I cannot do this alone," he said nervously.  
  
Galadriel turned back to him with a smile on her face. "To be a Ringbearer is to be alone," she said quietly. Then she bent over to look him in the face. "Even the smallest person can do great things," she said soothingly.  
  
Laura silently stood up and beckoned me to follow her. We went back to our camp. I fell asleep with Galadriel's voice in my head. "Even the smallest person can do great things.."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Well, children, you like? Good. Sorry this one wasn't very funny. I apologize. *tear tear* But the next chapter WILL be funny, I PROMISE!!! Although I am very proud of myself for incorporating the Simple Plan song into the story. *does touchdown dance* GO LAURA!!! WOOT WOOT!!!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Lamoo: Goody! I'm glad you like it! Silly cats, think they're better than everyone.. I'm glad that you feel so special! Heheh.. yeah, Lauren and I have really sick minds  
  
Naomi: I updated! Please don't hurt me! *cowers and hides in file cabinet* Yeek!  
  
OKAY, RABID FANGIRLS!!! STAY AWAY FROM MY LEGGY-POO!! *brandishes plastic sword* BACK, DEMONS FROM HELL!!! BACK, I SAY!!! 


	7. And off we go down the big happy river

Disclaimer:  
  
Laura: I own all of them! *hugs the Fellowship, and ghost of Tolkien appears*  
  
Lauren: Uh, Laura?  
  
Laura: What? Oooh, crap.  
  
Tolkien: Let them go. *Laura lets all of them go except Legolas, who tries to run away, but Laura grabs his braid before he can get away*  
  
Legolas: Yeek! Ouch.  
  
Laura: Okay, I only own my Leggy poo.  
  
Legolas: Leggy poo??? YOURS??? Hey!  
  
Tolkien: Ahem?  
  
Laura: Pwease? *puppy face*  
  
Tolkien: NO.  
  
Lauren and Laura: Damn. *lets Legolas go*  
  
Legolas: I'M FREE!!! WOOHOO!!! *runs away happily*  
  
Laura and Lauren: *wail* We don't. own. ANY OF THEM!!! *fall on each other bawling*  
  
~Random COMMENT: Y'know, I think Galadriel is reeeally ugly (in the movie). I mean, look at her! Her face is all pointy and stuff!! Although I love her hair.. but she should brush it once in a while. ~Random QUESTION: Okay, why, in the movie, is Leggy-poo walking around with a silver pitcher?? I mean, yeah, its cool, but still, what's the point??? ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Chapter 7: And off we go down the big happy river...  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
A few days later, we left Lothlorien. I was pretty sad, actually, because it was really pretty there. But before we could go, Galadriel made us sit around for several hours listening to her yak away...  
  
~Galadriel POV~  
  
What a rude child! Anyways, I asked them to stay, for I wanted to give them gifts to aid them.  
  
To Aragorn, I gave a sheath for his sword. "The sword that is kept in this sheath shall never break," I told him. I also gave him a brooch with a green stone. "You shall now, and forever more, be known as Elessar, the Elfstone."  
  
He bowed. "Thank you, my lady." I just nodded my head.  
  
To Boromir, Peregrin, and Meriadoc, I gave belts. Boromir's was made out of gold, while the hobbits' were made out of silver.  
  
I gave a new quiver and bow to Legolas. The string was made from elf-hair, one of the strongest fibers there are. "The bows of the Galadrim are the best there are. Use it well, son of Thranduil."  
  
"Thank you my lady, and namaarie." He bowed low.  
  
Next, I asked Gimli to come forward. "And what would a dwarf ask for from the elves?"  
  
"To look upon the lady of the wood," he answered softly.  
  
I smiled gently. "Is there anything else-?"  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
Okay, y'know what? This is getting BORING!!! *ahem* Anywho, Gimli got Galadriel's hair, Sam got dirt (woohoo *rolls eyes*), Frodo got Earendil, yadda yadda yadda...  
  
Next she told Lauren to go forward. She gave her a small sword with a sheath and a book. "This book contains all known remedies and cures. All of you are bound to get injured, and this is a valuable treasure. Use it well."  
  
"Thank you, Galadriel," Lauren whispered. I knew she was excited, because she REALLY wants to be a doctor when she graduates from college. Galadriel looked deep into her eyes for a second. I waited for her to call me, but she didn't.  
  
"Oh well guess I don't get anything... LET'S GO!" I said. Legolas pulled me back down. "Jerk," I muttered. He pointed to Galadriel, who was beckoning me to come forward. I sighed and walked slowly up to the little throne platform thingy that she was sitting on.  
  
First she handed me a small sword with Elvish writing on it, along with a matching sheath. Then she reached down next to her chair. "Young Laura, to you I give the gem of Hyarmené." She held out a silver chain with a clear stone (which looked like a diamond) embedded in a pendant. It was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen! "This is also very valuable, and useful. The gem is clear when all is well, and glows blue when danger is near."  
  
"Oh my- thank you, my lady!" I breathed. I started to walk back to where I had been sitting, but I heard her speak. "Wait, child."  
  
I turned around, and realized that she was inside my head. Erg, this was getting annoying...  
  
"Do I still frighten you?" she asked quietly.  
  
"No, my lady. I see now that I was stupid and rude. Forgive me." For some reason, I started to cry.  
  
"Dear child, it is nothing to be ashamed of. Many are afraid of me. I take no offense from you being afraid, too." She put her hand on my cheek, then kissed the top of my head. "Namaarie," she said out loud.  
  
"Namaarie," I answered quietly. I finally went back to my seat, still clutching the necklace.  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
I was amazed that Galadriel would trust Laura, of all people, to have the stone of Hyarmené. It's one of the most valuable things that belonged to her.  
  
Laura sat back down next to me, staring at the necklace. "You're lucky," I said. "That is very valuable. That silver is mithril. Take good care of it." She nodded slowly, still staring at it.  
  
"It's so..." she struggled for a word. "SHINY!!!" she cried, completely breaking the tranquil mood. I groaned and put my face in my hands as she and Lauren started laughing.  
  
"Farewell, my friends," Galadriel said, motioning for us to stand up.  
  
We went down to the small dock and got into the boats. I groaned again as Laura hopped into the one that Gimli and I would be riding in.  
  
"Ahoy, fellow seamen!" she cried enthusiastically. Gimli grumbled and climbed into the boat. I just sighed and prayed to Eru that I wouldn't get the sudden urge to purposely drown myself.  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
I hopped into the boat with Aragorn and Frodo, because I didn't want to get stuck with Boromir. He creeps me out. So we went on our merry way, paddling happily down the river.  
  
After a few minutes, I looked to one shore and saw many, many, MANY elves lined up. They were all watching us, and some were waving. I couldn't resist the opportunity.  
  
"GOOD-BYE, MY BELOVED FANS!" I cried, jumping up and waving enthusiastically. "I LOVE YOU ALL!!!" Then I buried my face in my hands and pretended to sob. I grinned as I heard Laura: "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!"  
  
"Sit DOWN!" Aragorn whispered pleadingly.  
  
"Oh, jealous that you can't be in the limelight, eh, Stinky?" Laura called from across the river. Legolas whapped her on the back of the head. "OW!!! YOU JERK!!!"  
  
The elves just stared at us, completely confused, giving Aragorn and Legolas apologetic looks that said: I'm so sorry you have to be stuck with such retards.  
  
We made our way down the river for most of the rest of the day. Finally, right about dusk (which was approximately 7:00 by my watch), we pulled off onto the shore.  
  
"We will rest here for tonight," Aragorn announced importantly.  
  
"Oooh, I LIKE this spot!" Laura said enthusiastically. "I mean, this is some quality rocky ground!! I can't WAIT to lay down on it and get permanent back damage!!"  
  
Legolas groaned for about the trillionth time that day. "Aragorn, can I PLEASE trade you passengers?" he begged.  
  
Aragorn looked over at me. I grinned and waved. "Hmm... no, I like my passenger. She's quiet, and not quite as annoying as yours."  
  
"I RESENT THAT!" Laura called from somewhere in the woods, where Legolas had sent her to get firewood. Suddenly-  
  
"YEEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!" Laura came tearing back through the camp without any firewood.  
  
"What in the Valar's name is wrong?!" Legolas cried.  
  
"There- there was a-" Laura panted, her eyes huge.  
  
"WHAT?!" all of us yelled. Aragorn and Boromir pulled out their swords, and Legolas fit an arrow to the string.  
  
"A spider!" she squeaked.  
  
"Oh my god..." I smacked my head against the nearest tree. Everyone else groaned and rolled their eyes, putting away their weapons. "Laura, there's spiders EVERYWHERE! I mean... oh, god, there's one on your shoulder."  
  
"YEEEEEEK!!!!" Laura started prancing around wildly, smacking her shoulders, trying to get the non-existing spider off her. She stopped when she realized that we were laughing our asses off at her. "LAUREN!!!" she roared, and tackled me, stuffing leaves, twigs, and mud in my hair.  
  
"Eek!!! Gerroff me, you bia!" I started tickling her armpits, where she's most ticklish.  
  
"Ahahaaha, stop it!!! Hahahahaa!!! Don't!!!!" She was part mad, part happy. Very odd, and yet very normal for such a freak like her. (Laura: I RESENT THAT, TOO!!!)  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
Meany-heads. Why is everyone so cruel? *sob* Oh well, I'll get them back... I have my ways... MWAHAHAHAAHAA *cough cough* HAHAA!!!  
  
Once I got the evil brunette from hell to stop tickling me, I stood up. "Dammit all, Lauren! You got me all muddy!" I made my lower lip tremble.  
  
Legolas got a terrified look on his face. "Oh, no! Please don't wail-!"  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" I plopped to the ground and threw my head back, whining as loud as possible.  
  
~Lauren POV (again)~  
  
"OKAY, THAT'S IT!!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!!" Legolas yelled, still covering his ears with his hands. He grabbed some rope and a random piece of cloth.  
  
"This should do it!" he said to himself. Quicker than I thought possible, he had thrown Laura to the ground and tied her up. "Hey, what the-?" Laura yelped.  
  
Then he took the cloth and tied it around her head to be used as a gag. He stood back and admired his handiwork. Laura sat on the ground with a look like this: O.o?  
  
"Oooh, bah-URN baby!" I cried happily, shoving a finger in her face. Then I turned around and looked at Legolas. "High five, buddy!" I raised my hand.  
  
Legolas stopped and looked at me, then cowered. "Don't hit me! I didn't do anything!" he whined.  
  
I blinked and turned around to look at Laura, who had tears running down her face from her silent laughter.  
  
"No, darling grasshopper," I said soothingly, walking towards him. "When I hold my hand like this, it means 'high five', which is a congratulatory gesture. You're supposed to hit my hand now." I spoke as though talking to a four-year-old.  
  
"Oooh," he said, with a look of revelation on his face. "I get it." He slapped my hand, a little harder than necessary.  
  
"Ouch! Not that hard, Princess Puff!" I scolded, pulling my hand away. "No doggy treats for you tonight!"  
  
Legolas blinked and shook his head, then went into the woods. "I'm going to go find some firewood," he announced.  
  
"We'll alert the press," I muttered. I looked down, and Laura kicked my shoe.  
  
"Grr fiss ggggrggg fffaff eeef!" she said angrily.  
  
"What was that, Blondie?" I asked sweetly.  
  
"GRR FISS GGGGRGGG FFFAFF EEEF!!!" she roared, although it wasn't that loud, considering she was gagged.  
  
"What?" I said, yanking the gag off harshly.  
  
"OW!!! Bitch," she muttered. I smacked her.  
  
"Bad girl!! No using potty language around Prometheus!" I scolded, using a motherly tone. I looked over to where the rest of the Fellowship was sitting. All of them were staring at us with extremely disturbed looks on their faces.  
  
"WHAT?" Laura and I complained at the exact same time.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Okay, sorry! This was a short chapter, and not very funny... and forget what I said in my info. I was a little pissed 'cause NO ONE WILL REVIEW!!! *wails* Pwease review?? *puppy face* 


	8. Bye bye Boromir, hellooooo two towers

Disclaimer:  
  
Laura: I own all of them! *hugs the Fellowship, and ghost of Tolkien appears*  
  
Lauren: Uh, Laura?  
  
Laura: What? Oooh, crap.  
  
Tolkien: Let them go. *Laura lets all of them go except Legolas, who tries to run away, but Laura grabs his braid before he can get away*  
  
Legolas: Yeek! Ouch.  
  
Laura: Okay, I only own my Leggy poo.  
  
Legolas: Leggy poo??? YOURS??? Hey!  
  
Tolkien: Ahem?  
  
Laura: Pwease? *puppy face*  
  
Tolkien: NO.  
  
Lauren and Laura: Damn. *lets Legolas go*  
  
Legolas: I'M FREE!!! WOOHOO!!! *runs away happily*  
  
Laura and Lauren: *wail* We don't. own. ANY OF THEM!!! *fall on each other bawling*  
  
~Random COMMENT: Y'know, when Aragorn makes his whole "You cannot wield it! None of us can!" speech, is it me, or does he say it in a REALLY gay voice?? Just wonderin'. ~Random QUESTION: Doesn't Leggy-poo look hot when he's staring absently into the trees at Parth Galen??? *sigh* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 8: Bye bye Boromir, hellooooo two towers  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
Despite the fact that they could be EXTREMELY annoying, I actually really enjoyed having Lauren and Laura around. They cheered us up whenever we felt sad, tell extremely stupid, yet somehow very funny, jokes, and they were guaranteed to make you smile. They would make up ridiculous stories. I remember one very distinctly...  
  
"Why all the long faces, dearest hairy men?" Laura called from my boat. "Art thou's hearts full of sorrow?"  
  
"I am NOT hairy!" I said angrily.  
  
"Laura, that made absolutely no sense," Lauren told her. "Mind your thee's and thou's."  
  
"Hey, that's a book!" Laura exclaimed. "Oh well, no one cares. But anyways, everyone looks sad. I've got it! How 'bout I tell you a story?"  
  
"Oh, this should be good," I muttered. She glared at me.  
  
"Well, I'm gonna tell it just to annoy Leggy over here. Okay, here goes." She cleared her throat. "Once upon a time there were 3 little pigs. Their names were Huey, Duey, and Luey, and their uncle was the Ghost of Christmas Past. They went on a walk while their porridge was cooling off, but they met up with the Big Bad Wolf and turned into lunch for him. Little Red Riding Hood was lost and entered their cottage, and was hungry, because she was a vegetarian, and you know that you're practically always hungry if you're a vegetarian, right?" She got blank stares from all of us, except Lauren, who was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down her face. "Well, at least someone enjoys my stories. Aright, then... moving on... Anyways, she tried Huey's porridge, but it was too hot. Duey's was too cold, but Luey's was just right. She then fell into a long, deep sleep, only to be awoken by the kiss of a beautiful Prince who had just fought a terrible ogre named Shrek. The End."  
  
"Yay!" Lauren stood up in her boat and applauded, while the rest of us just looked at her with slightly disturbed grins on our faces. I shook my head. "Well, that was... uh, interesting."  
  
"Thank you, dearest Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood. Someday, I shall journey to your homeland, and I shall perform in the royal court," she announced formally.  
  
"No, really, that's okay." I shook my head earnestly.  
  
"Aw, c'mon, buddy boy! You KNOW you want me to!" She gave me a huge innocent grin. I decided to ignore that comment.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
Silly Middle-earthers... don't even know a good story when they hear one... At least I cheered them up! That made me feel special... kind of... not really... but I'll just say that it did because then it'll make me sound cute. *big angelic grin*  
  
So we made our way down the Anduin river (whoopity doo), and after a while came to Argonath... y'know, the HUGE statues of old dudes with big feet? Yeah, that! It was pretty cool, actually, because these things were MASSIVE, I mean HUGE!!!  
  
I looked over towards Aragorn's boat, where Lauren was. She was giggling hysterically. "What?" I asked, steering the boat closer to theirs. (Yes, Legolas had FINALLY trusted me with the honor of rowing the boat... WOOHOO!!! It pays off knowing how to canoe, too!)  
  
"Their feet!!!" she snorted, pointing. "They're so BIG!!!" She fell into the bottom of the boat, laughing her head off.  
  
"Oh brother," I muttered, and steered away from her. I heard Aragorn tell Legolas, "Okay, Legolas, you can have my passenger! I don't want her anymore!"  
  
Legolas rubbed his chin, pretending to think. "No, I like my passenger. She's much more quiet," he stated. I turned around and gave him a childish grin. "Although she scares me sometimes... OW!!!" I hit his knee with the paddle.  
  
I quickly got bored, and started humming. "Hm hm hm hm hm! Hmhm hm hm hm! Hmhmhmhmhmhmhm hmhmhm!" I started humming "Row Row Row Your Boat."  
  
"Oh, boy, here it comes," Lauren said.  
  
"OH, ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT, GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM!!! MERRILY MERRILY MERRILY MERRILY LIFE IS BUT A DREAM!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.  
  
"Valar, please help us," Legolas muttered, thumping his head against the edge of the boat.  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
Oh, yeah, Laura can tell a good story, all right! *rolls eyes* Not...  
  
We rowed past the statues at Argonath, and started making our way across a HUGE lake. I mean, it was probably several miles from Argonath to the waterfall where the big pointy rock thing was.  
  
Anyways, we finally reached a REALLY old docking platform thing and got out of the boats. Laura and I sat down against a tree while we watched everyone else unload the boats.  
  
"How about a little help?" Gimli growled at us.  
  
"Hm... nah. We are but poor, feeble maidens, and we must recover our strength!" I said dramatically, putting the back of my hand against my forehead in a very Shakespeare-ish way. Laura started giggling.  
  
Aragorn stopped what he was doing and looked at us. "Alright then. Either you help us unload the boats, or you can sit there and not have any supper. Take your pick." He raised his eyebrow and stared at us.  
  
Laura glanced over at me, and I glanced over at her. Simultaneously we jumped up and started unloading the boats.  
  
After we finished that "strenuous work", Laura and I had another one of our interesting discussions. But, instead of Pig Latin, we spoke in Spanish. I had a feeling that Legolas had figured out the pattern of PL, so we changed to a language he couldn't POSSIBLY know.  
  
(This WILL be translated at the end of the chapter. But for now, I want to make you suffer, and give all you Spanish-speakers a little quiz on our favorite language in the whole wide fruit bowl! Sorry if the grammar isn't perfect... I always had a B in Spanish class!)  
  
"Lauren, ¿Usted piensa que Aragorn es muy guapo?" she asked  
  
"Eh... sí, pero no tan guapo como él que no debe ser nombrado." (Laura: He Who Must Not Be Named is the guy Lauren likes, whose name is... OW!!! *Lauren: slaps Laura* Um, he doesn't have a name! Yes, his name is DEFINITELY not... CRIMONEY!!! *gets slapped again by Lauren* Ouch...)  
  
"Me gusta los pingüinos," she said offhandedly.  
  
"Ah... ¿sí?" I gave her a look that was a bit more terrified than the ones I usually give her.  
  
"Bueno, vamos a hablar en inglés. Me olvido mucho de español."  
  
"Yeah, me too. I wish I could use a sword... oh wait, I forgot!" I ran back to the boat and pulled out the sword Galadriel had given me. "Yay! Thank God we did fencing in gym class, eh?" I looked at Laura.  
  
"No kidding. But this time it's REAL, and this time we can't be all formal and bow and crap like that." She wrinkled her nose in disgust.  
  
I nodded. I wasn't exactly looking forward to this whole experience.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
I looked up as Legolas trotted back to Aragorn. "We should leave now," he said quietly.  
  
"No. Orcs patrol the eastern shore. We must wait for cover of darkness," Aragorn answered.  
  
Legolas furrowed his eyebrows and looked into the woods. "It is not the eastern shore that worries me. A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near... I can feel it."  
  
Aragorn didn't look too pleased about this. Just as he was about to answer, I cut in. "Erm... Aragorn? I think Legolas is right. I think something bad may happen." I pointed to my necklace. The stone was glowing a faint blue-green color.  
  
They both looked suspiciously at me, then turned to each other and started muttering in Elvish. Why oh why hadn't I taken the time to read all those Elvish dictionary websites!?  
  
"Laura!" Lauren hit my knee. "Don't keep saying stuff like that! Who knows what could happen!? You might change everything!"  
  
"Oooh, crap... you're right. Shutting up now." I clapped my hand over my mouth.  
  
"Hey, where's Frodo?" Merry asked suddenly. We all spun around to see both Boromir and Frodo missing.  
  
"Oh, shit..." Lauren murmured.  
  
~Aragorn POV~  
  
I turned to where Frodo had been sitting by the campfire, and he wasn't there. I was about to ask Boromir if he had seen him leave, but he wasn't there either. "Oh, no..." I said quietly. I sprinted into the woods.  
  
I searched for several minutes before I found Frodo by a stone statue. "Frodo?" I asked.  
  
"It has taken Boromir!" he cried.  
  
"Where is the Ring?" I asked, walking towards him.  
  
"No!" He stumbled backwards.  
  
"Frodo! I swore to protect you!" I told him.  
  
"Can you protect me from yourself?" he asked seriously, holding the Ring out. I was taken aback by this comment. I heard an evil voice start murmuring my name. "Aragorn... Aragorn..."  
  
"I would have followed you to the end... To the very fires of Mordor," I told him.  
  
"I know." He put the Ring back on his neck. I looked down and saw something. I drew my sword. "Run Frodo." He looked at me and pulled out Sting. It was glowing blue. "Run... RUN!" I cried. He spun around and ran, his cape flying behind him.  
  
Hundreds of orcs came pouring over the hillside, coming right at me at a tremendous speed. I took a deep breath and swiped the head off the first orc that approached me.  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
"Gimli! Girls, come!" I dashed after Aragorn, Gimli, Lauren, and Laura right on my heels.  
  
We tore through the brush, when suddenly I heard a fell voice yell "FIND THE HALFLINGS!" "Oh, Elbereth," I muttered.  
  
We came to the top of a hill with some sort of a little temple on top, and were amazed at what we saw. Aragorn was in the middle of a hoard of about 500 orcs, fighting them single-handedly. Before I knew what I had done it, I pulled an arrow out of my quiver and shot one of the orcs. "Aragorn, go!" I cried. An orc came at me. He was too close to shoot, so I took an arrow and stabbed him through the throat.  
  
I turned around to see how the others were faring. I have to admit, I was extremely impressed.  
  
Laura and Lauren were standing right next to one another, fighting any and all orcs that dared come near them. The orcs, obviously, were underestimating the fighting skills of the two young humans. Already several lay dead at their feet, all having had their heads chopped off.  
  
An orc that was much larger than the others approached Laura. She wasn't expecting it, and I feared the worst. But she heard his loud footsteps and spun around. I was surprised and extremely amused when she kicked him... erm... in a place I'd rather not care to think about. "TAKE THAT, YOU OVERSIZED FRUIT CUP!" she screamed, stabbing him harshly in the stomach. He bent over, clutching his abdomen, and she swiped off his head.  
  
"Go Blondie!" Lauren yelled, giving her a quick high-five. An orc came running at her, snarling. "HI-YAH!!!" she screamed, kicking out sideways with her right foot and hitting him directly in the sensitive part of his stomach. Gimli was right there and hacked the orc to pieces. "Hey, you stole my glory!" Lauren whined. Gimli rolled his eyes and chopped some more orcs up.  
  
"Head into the woods!" Aragorn cried. We all ran off the bare hilltop and down into the forest, the orcs following at a surprisingly fast pace. We stopped at a relatively clear area and started fighting again.  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
I spun around and swung at the nearest orc. He would of, and should of, died, but he didn't. He was wearing very strong armor.  
  
"Aw man!" I squeaked as he roared angrily, raising his curved sword over his head. "Eek!" I was about to run away when I heard an arrow slice through the air. The orc didn't move. He just fell right on top of me. I was stuck under him. "Oh, yeah, that's gonna hurt tomorrow..." I muttered, cringing.  
  
"Lauren!" Laura said in mock-anger. "This is not the time to play pig-pile with your new boyfriend! Now help me get him off of you! On three... One, two... three!" She pulled while I pushed. Our combined efforts were barely enough to roll him off of me.  
  
"Damn, that guy reeks," I muttered. We both heard a gagging noise and turned around. An orc had wrapped his hands around Aragorn's neck and was choking him. Aragorn kept pounding on its helmet, but it only gripped tighter.  
  
"Legolas!" Laura cried. Elf-boy turned around just as two orcs came at him. In less than three seconds both of them were dead, and he was aiming another arrow at the one trying to kill Aragorn. The arrow sliced through the air and stuck itself into the orc's back.  
  
Suddenly, I heard a clear note ring through the air. "The horn of Gondor!" Laura, Legolas and I all cried at the same time. We looked at each other and grinned. "Boromir!" Aragorn said, running between us and nearly knocking poor wittle Leggy poo down. (1...2...3... awwww! *rabid fangirls rush to help him up, Laura brandishes her elvish-sword* BACK FIENDS FROM HELL!!!)  
  
We ran after him (again), only to meet up with... guess what? MORE FRIGGIN' ORCS!!!! "THAT'S IT!!!" Laura roared. "I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU ASSHOLES!!!" Much to everyone's amazement, she charged right into the group of orcs. She killed two of them before Legolas and Aragorn had to help her.  
  
"Whoa... that was so COOL!!!!" I shrieked, throwing my arms around her neck.  
  
"Prometheus... Laura needs to breathe..." she gasped. I giggled, despite the situation, and let go. "Let's go kick some orc ass," she said.  
  
"Oh, like we haven't already been doing that?" I answered sarcastically. She shot me a glare, then sprinted off to kill some more big smelly gross dudes.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
I ran behind the others in the direction that Aragorn had run off to. They stopped suddenly, and I ran into Lauren. Where were the orcs? "What the- oh my god..." I whispered.  
  
Aragorn was kneeling next to Boromir, who had three arrows in his chest. He was panting, and his face was nearly white. I put my hand to my mouth without realizing it.  
  
Boromir picked up his sword and firmly held it against his chest. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye, and watched as Lauren slowly bowed her head, a tear running down her face. I reached out and put my hand on her shoulder.  
  
The look on all of the remaining Fellowship's faces was a mixture of shock, anger, and sadness. I bit my lip and looked at the ground as I started crying.  
  
"I would have followed you to the end, my brother... my captain... my king..." he panted. Then he was still. Why was I crying? I never cried when I watched the movie... in fact, I laughed. (I BLAME IT ON SEAN BEAN!!! HE'S NOT A VERY GOOD ACTOR!!!! Eek! *runs away from the very very few Boromir fangirls*)  
  
Aragorn leaned over and kissed his forehead (which I also laugh at in the movie). Lauren and I started bawling. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" But this time, it wasn't fake.  
  
Aragorn stood up, a tear rolling down his cheek. He turned to us with a sorrowful look on his face. Without saying a word, Legolas walked over and helped him pick up Boromir's body. Lauren, Gimli and I all followed silently.  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
I bent over and helped Aragorn pick up Boromir's body. We carried him down to the shore and placed him in one of the boats from Lorien. Carefully, I pulled the arrows out of his chest and threw them into the brush, while Lauren and Laura gathered some orc weapons to place under his feet*. Aragorn placed his shield behind his head, then gently pushed the boat out into the lake. We watched as it slowly floated towards the waterfall, and eventually over it.  
  
*If you don't remember this part, just read the first few pages of The Two Towers. I'm going by the movie, just to let y'all know!  
  
I started gathering up our things and putting them in the remaining boat. "Hurry! Frodo and Sam have reached the eastern shore!" I called. I turned around to see everyone watching the spot where Boromir had gone over the falls. I looked at Aragorn. "You mean not to follow them."  
  
"Frodo's fate is no longer in our hands," he said silently.  
  
"Then it has all been in vain. The Fellowship has failed," Gimli said sadly.  
  
Aragorn looked at him, then approached us and put his hands on our shoulders. "Not if we hold true to each other. We will not allow Merry and Pippin torment and death. Not while we have strength left." He let go of our shoulders.  
  
It was just then that I realized Laura and Lauren had nothing to do with this. I looked over to where they were standing. I was surprised to see they had smiles on their faces. "It's better than the movie," Lauren whispered. I had no idea what they were talking about, but I just decided to ignore it.  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
We watched as Aragorn let go of their shoulders. "Even better than the movie," I muttered. Laura smiled and nodded.  
  
"Leave all that can be spared behind. We travel light. Let's hunt some Orc." Aragorn ran into the trees. Gimli and Legolas looked at each other. "Yes! Haha!" Gimli yelled, following Mr. Stinky Ranger Dude. Legolas smiled and watched. "Come, Lauren, Laura!" he cried happily, beckoning for us to follow him.  
  
"YEEEE-HAW!!!!" Laura whooped like a cowboy and ran past Legolas, her hair flying. "RIDE 'EM, COWGIRL!!!" I yelled, running past Princess Puff. "C'mon, Leggy poo!" I cried, grabbing his hand and pulling him after me.  
  
"Eru, save us all!" I heard him say, but he was smiling.  
  
"That's the spirit, Leggy kins!" Laura yelled from up ahead. We ran into the woods without looking back. The journey had just begun.  
  
THE END... for now!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Well, my dear Campbell's Soup Cans, that's all for now! I PROMISE I'll write a TTT sequel, so never fear!!!  
  
Crystyna: I'm so glad you find my insaneness funny! ^_^ *ish happy* And yes, Mary-sues ARE that bad!! THEY ARE THE FIENDS FROM HELL!!!!! ARG!!!!!  
  
Rebs1: Thanks for the suggestions! I'll try to make my dear insane friend and I more helpful to TTH!  
  
AND TO ALL MY LOYAL READERS (five people who have reviewed): I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL!!!! IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THEN I'M DONE!!! YAY!!! FEEL FREE TO KEEP ON REVIEWING!!!!!  
  
~*~  
  
A last word from Lorenzo the Elf Girl:  
  
Have yourself a very Pippin Christmas!  
  
(Merry: Hey, what about me!?)  
  
Ah, yes, and have a very Merry Christmas, too! ^_^ (I have NO IDEA where I got this, but thanks to whoever I stole it from!!!)  
  
~*~  
  
Okay, so maybe those WEREN'T my last words... not that I died... SO SUE ME!!!  
  
Oh, deary me, I almost forgot!!! I DIDN'T TRANSLATE!!!! *gasp*  
  
~Lauren, ¿Usted piensa que Aragorn es muy guapo? = Lauren, do you think that Aragorn is really cute?  
  
~ Eh... sí, pero no tan guapo como él que no debe ser nombrado. = Eh, yeah, but not as cute as He Who Must Not Be Named. (No, not Lord Voldermort, you fools!!)  
  
~ Me gusta los pingüinos= I like penguins.  
  
~ Ah... ¿sí? = Ah, yeah?  
  
~ Bueno, vamos a hablar en inglés. Me olvido mucho de español. = Well, let's talk in English now. I forgot a lot of Spanish.  
  
~*~  
  
Okies, there's Laura's Little Section of Translationism!!! (da da da DUM!!!) :-D Anywho, I'd also like to thank my dear friend Lindsay for the idea for the story that I told. (Y'know, the one bout the three pigs named Huey, Duey, and Luey? Yeah, just checkin'!) LINDSAY, I WUV YOU AND YOU'RE THE BEST TUTOR EVER!!!! ^_^  
  
~*~  
  
GOODBYE, ALL!!! I WILL MISS YOU OH-SO-MUCH!!! *cries*  
  
*runs away after The Three Hunters Plus Two (TTHPT) with butterfly net* I'LL CATCH YOU YET, MY DEAR SILVAN PRINCE!!! 


	9. A parting word from the very extremely l...

A'righty, guys. I'm REALLY, REALLY, REALLY sorry that I didn't update for so long!!! *feels bad* But I'm gonna blame it on fanfiction.net, 'cause it wouldn't let me upload ch. 8. So blame it on them!!!!! But, I DID get it updated!!! *feels happy* And now, alas, the story is done!!!! *wails* BUT THERE SHALL BE A SEQUEL!!!! I just need to start it... *ahem* Anywho, thanks to all my loyal readers and reviewers!!! I wuv you all!!!! ^_^  
  
Much love!!  
  
~Lorenzo the Elf Girl (alias: LAURA), Legolas stalker on ff.net. Toodles!!! Remember, no getting high without Lorenzo!!! :-D 


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